A Definitive Ranking of Every Character in Riverdale as of Season 3

I am a Riverdale stan. Riverdale is one of my all-time favorite shows. It it bonkers. Yes, that’s what makes it fun. Is it over the top? Yes, the genre is called Melodrama. Is it a bunch of 20-somethings pretending to be 16? Have you seen literally any movie or tv show about High School? Riverdale gets a lot of hate for being what it is: A Teen Drama. Glee, Gossip Girl, Reign, Teen Wolf, Vampire Diaries, etc, are all just as wacky and over the top and I love teen dramas for that reason. They remember that TV can have a meaningful message and emotional resonance while still being fun and not self-serious. They embrace the raw emotion of being a teenager, where every little dramatic incident is the end of the world. The worlds they create are pulpy and fun and the characters that inhabit them are suitably archetypal for the heightened stories they exist in. I love teen dramas for their unrestrained fun and emotional melodrama and I’m shameless about it as a giant F-U to all pretension. (There is nothing that drives me crazy like pretension)

Riverdale is a one of my personal favorite teen dramas. I binged the first season on Netlfix and since then I haven’t missed an episode. I am so attached to all the characters and I need to know what happens to them week to week. I will argue with anyone that it’s silliness is intentional at that it is a GOOD SHOW. There internet, I said it. Riverdale’s writing is GOOD. Is it flawless? No. That is why I am ranking every character in Riverdale by how good of a character they are (re: how much I personally like them) as a way of exploring this bananas show and explaining why these characters resonate with me and other Riverdale viewers. None of these rankings are meant as critiques of the actors, who I will also argue are all good and compelling performers. Here is my definitive ranking of every single character in Riverdale that I could think of. (Okay I cut Martha and Jeff but if you remember who they even are comment because I will be SHOOK) MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6Jogncx9Hk

82. Geraldine Grundy: This vine (link in Caption) sums up why Miss Grundy is a literal piece of garbage from hell. The world cheered when she died.

81. Nick St. Clair: A trash bag rapist who tried to attack Cheryl and Veronica. He deserved to be beaten up by both the Pussy Cats and Archie. Boy Bye.

80. Penny Peabody: So evil but annoying. Like she just ruins everything and leads weird gangs and I can’t keep track of whatever weird plots she has going on, though her sword fight with Gladys was amazing. I hope each time we see her she gets another injury until she looks like the Wiley Coyote after failing to catch the Roadrunner yet again.

79. Warden Norton: An evil creep and knockoff Shawshank Redemption villain. He not only ran a fight club with minors but he was also a total nerd who ruined a football game and made everyone pawns in his dungeons and dragons campaign. Like he tried to murder a teen because some gargoyle gave him a quest to kill “The Red Paladin” aka the ginger kid who tries to be a good person but is kind of dumb and has some anger issues.

78. Sister Woodhouse: Another evil fictional nun to reinforce the stereotype that all women who choose not to have sex are inherently cold and evil. But apparently she wasn’t a real nun because she rejected The Second Vatican Council, which is actually a real thing that people have done. The confusing thing is then the US government won’t except her vow of silence which is confusing because does the government only respect religions if they’re approved by the Vatican? That makes no sense. Also can you really use a vow of silence to get out of testifying? I feel like that’s not true. Oh yeah and Sister Woodhouse sucks. Her nuns give children drugs and make them terrified worshippers of a demon which is probably the most opposite you can get from encouraging Christian values. Making kids worship a demon statue. Like opposite of Catholicism right there. Also she runs Conversion therapy and puts Cheryl in terrible pigtails and tries to brainwash her. She is the worst.

77. Chic: Alice's fake dead son. I hated him and could not wait for him to leave. His crocodile tears were so annoying and he was a manipulative little bastard. Like I think he died but he may have come back. Remember when Kevin was into him for a second. Like what? Hated this loser who made me feel unsafe for Betty. -500/10 don’t recommend.

Plot twist: He was the GARGOYLE KING! He has no problem spreading a creepy drug version of DnD in the town and walking around in a wacky bone costume to encourage kids to make blood sacrifices to him and drink antifreeze. He was also cool with pretending to be Penelope’s dead son. This kid is messed up.

76.That Guy the Coopers Murdered: A shady man who died but gets higher on this list than Chic because Alice responded to killing him by nonchalantly asking Betty if she locked the front door.

75. Reggie’s Dad: He hits his son and is therefore the worst kind of person.

74. The Sugar Man: He pretends to be Paul Rudd’s character from Perks of Being A Wallflower but he really just wants to sell kids drugs. Love that Cheryl drew a scary drawing of him as a child though.

73. Cassidy Bullock and the Shadow Lake Boys: Really creepy flirts. Like Veronica don’t flirt with them, bad idea they shady. They’re just like creepy and I didn’t feel bad when they died. Canceled

72.Tall Boy: What a loser. He always whined during gang meetings, was a shooter at a town hall meeting, became the Gargoyle King and worked for Hiram and then died when Fangs accidentally shot him. He failed at everything in life and he was evil. Also his name sucked. 0/10 Don’t Recommend.

71. Ricky De Santos: This child betrayed Archie and me. He appeared all cute and helpless and Archie was going to take care of him and I was like perfect, a plot that focuses on Archie’s kindness after so many episode spent exploring his dark and violent side. Then little Ricky betrayed and stabbed him and tried to kill him because of a Griffins and Gargoyle’s quest!! One of the worst betrayals of a fictional ginger character I emotionally identified with since Hans betrayed Anna.

70. Mr. Svenson: A janitor who was also like an apprentice serial killer of the Black Hood. They tried to pass him off as the real Black Hood but nobody was buying it.

69. Josie’s Dad: Is basically the worst. He’s all about his art and his music and being a shitty dad who’s most supportive act is making his daughter think he missed her show so she performs better. He’s one of those "let me show you how the real world works" aka "let me give you an excuse for being a dick" dads. I get why Sierra divorced him. I would too.

68. Malachi: The glam rock leader of the Ghoulies who feels like an actual ghoul-vampire from a Bowie music video. He was kind of interesting but he was just yet another gang jerk that they didn’t do much with.

67. Andre: He replaced Smithers which how dare he. I never liked him from the beginning and he’s the one that shot Cassidy and got Archie framed for murder or maybe Small Fry shot and killed him. I get all the Mob People Mixed Up.

66. Agent Adams: He stressed me out. I am apparently as dumb as Archie because I bought that he was actually in the FBI. It blows my mind that Archie still wanted to be cool with the Lodges after they used this guy to manipulate him and threaten his family. It was a great bind, betray the Feds and put your father in danger or betray your girlfriend’s family that is placing more trust in you. I really felt stressed for Archie during the whole thing.

65. The Kraken: A prison guard and GnG nerd who boxes Archie and Jughead randomly calls the Kraken.

64. Marcus Mason: Moose’s homophobic father who was in love with Sheriff Keller and used the ROTC to terrorize Moose and Kevin as a way to scare them straight and ruin his long lost love’s marriage to a woman. Terrible leader and role model. Def crazy.

63. Tina Patel and Ginger Lopez: Cheryl’s original friends who supposed to be the Karen and Gretchen to Cheryl’s Regina. They were not anywhere close to those two icons. Really they just existed for Cheryl to spout lines too and both the audience and the show forgot about them. Cheryl dismissed them after they failed to support her in a dance off, which is the ultimate friendship fail so I get it.

62. Darla: Tried to blackmail the Coopers in a scene that led to the memeable moment of the Serpents bursting through the door to threaten her.

61. That One Creepy Farmer: That one creepy farmer who gave Archie and Jughead a ride when they were delivering drugs to Greendale for Penny. He was very creepy.

60. Baby Teeth: A random character from Archie’s stint in juvie that everyone acted like I was supposed to remember. Plot twist: I did not. Apparently he still had his baby teeth, which Archie used to identify him when he was delivered a bloody chalice full of teeth. His death by getting all his teeth ripped out was pretty brutal but it’s not like I really cared. This bad fan theory post is the only usable picture I was able to find.

59. Sheriff Minetta: Hiram's lackey turned sheriff. Cheryl called him a cyborg once and I lowkey hoped he actually was a cyborg because that would make him interesting. He was hella annoying and corrupt and I’m glad Hermione shot him.

58. Mafia Guys: Hiram's bodyguards who Veronica fired so now they work for Ellio. Lowkey sucked at their job.

57. Featherhead: The Principal during the flashback episode who was killed by the Gargoyle King. It counts as a mercy kill because it saved him from living as someone named Featherhead.

56. Ellio: A skeevy guy who owns a shady boxing ring that rigs matches and uses roids. I think he’s also into Veronica? I think he’s also like 25? He’s so punchable and that makes him a fun villain for them to pull in whenever they need a random antagonist but dude maybe stop messing around with high school kids. They should not be the main opponents of your criminal empire.

55. Randy Ronson and his family: A man who did fizzle rocks while boxing because fizzle rocks are a multi-purpose drug apparently. He died during a match with Archie leaving behind a family that is all too like Angel, the Every Girlfriend in a Boxing Movie character on SNL.

54. Floyd Clayton: The Football coach who I literally forgot existed

53. Principal Waldo Weatherbee: The worst principal ever. He never does enough to keep control over his school that is riddled with gangs and vigilante groups and cults. His solutions, if you can even call them that, never make sense. He’s just useless and he later joins a cult. What a loser

52. Polly Cooper: UGH I hate her. She was always a little unhinged, choosing to live with the Blossoms house of horrors when pregnant and drinking their drug-laced smoothies. Then not only did she join a cult and go all in, she participated in Gaslighting Betty at every step of the way, actively helping Edgar try to trick Betty into thinking she was some kind of potential serial killer by pretending to be Betty’s dark side when Edgar hypnotized her. She straight up lied about childhood incidents to try and make Betty think she was Dark Betty and needed help. No. Gaslighting is not okay. Polly is CANCELED.

51. Claudius Blossom: Clifford’s long lost twin who showed up to scheme and work with Hiram and die after not doing much that I remember other than making that comment about is Island of Lesbos.

50. Clifford Blossom: The evil Patriarch of the Blossom Clan. He liked the fact that Jason and Polly procreated as cousins and made “Pure Blossom Babies” which is gross. He tried to groom Archie to marry Cheryl and run a business purely because Archie had red hair. He also shot his own son for refusing to participate in his drug trade which is a new level of Evil. He was a scary villain who was cruel to his own children and fed sedative milkshakes to his son’s baby mama. I’m convinced he’s one those Ginger Supremacists from Glee. (Emma’s parents were ginger supremacists for those who don’t remember.) I believe in Ginger empowerment as much as the next redhead but he’s just too much.

49. Moose Mason: I wish Moose was an actual weremoose or something because that is the only way I’d like him. Kevin deserved so much better. Moose was hella boring and did not treat sweet baby boi Kevin with all the love he deserved. He wasn’t very cool to Midge either. I was only sad to see him leave because Kevin lost yet another boyfriend.

48. Dilton Doiley: A doomsday prepper kid who loved guns, he made me and all of the human race uncomfortable.

47. Ben Button: For being such a minor character poor Ben has been through a lot. He was another victim of Grundy’s predatory sexual behavior, he got into GnG and ritually sacrificed himself. He was saved just to jump out the window and kill himself so he could meet the Gargoyle King. Worst of all, he was on Sabrina and was sexually lured in by a witch who ate him. He died on two different shows, poor guy.

46. Sweet Pea: A member of the Serpents who initially existed to antagonize Jughead. I think Archie pulled a gun on him at one point. He’s the generic Serpent with speaking lines and who never really became a character. They gave all the good stuff to Fangs which is fair because I could not care less about Sweet Pea. They gave him a random romance with Josie and I didn’t care. He was mad in the musical episode when Josie and Archie were dating and I didn’t care. He disappeared after the musical episode and I still don’t care.

45. Peaches’n’Cream: Head member of Pretty Poisons girl-gang after Toni and Cheryl. I think she’s supposed to act as like a love interest for Toni and get in the way of her and Cheryl. I have no idea. She appeared randomly and mainly existed to do functional tasks but she did sing really well during the teased “Dead Girl Walking” three way between her, Toni and Sweet Pea. Also of all the weird Riverdale names hers seems the most random.

44. Kurtz: A total psychopath druggie who was so far gone into Griffins and Gargoyles he felt like he was from one of those Christian anti-dungeons and dragons tracts they they give out. Like boy was pyscho and Gladys tried to make him work with Jughead but that crashed and burned when he tried to kill perpetual victim Fangs. He also ran the GnG campaign from hell where the Jones has to play to rescue Jellybean. Did it not make sense as it seemed to happen all in one night while the other plots took place over multiple days? Yes. Was it fun as hellcaster? Yes. His deranged smile made him an unsettling villain and he died before he was overused. He had a good run.

43. Monsignor Murphy: the Lodge family priest. He lets Veronica sing Bittersweet Symphony at her Confirmation and gives the Lodge’s an annulment even though they have a daughter to prove that they were married. In short, he does whatever the Lodge’s want.

42. Dr. Curdle Junior: What a fun bit character. So morbid and weird and will do anything and break any law for a twenty. Another great Hollywood morgue doctor. 7.561/10

41. Chuck Clayton: Riverdale made the baffling choice of taking The Archie Comics groundbreaking first Black character, a wholesome lover of art and sports, and making him a leering, manipulative, slut-shaming, jerk. As much as I loved Veronica and Betty destroying the patriarchy and making men who mistreat women face the consequences of their actions (if only that happened more IRL) making Chuck Clayton be that villain was an iffy choice. America responded with a resounding “Why did you do that?” and Riverdale course corrected. They made him reform, have a wholesome romance with Josie, join the musical Carrie and receive absolution from her holiness, Veronica Lodge. I’m glad they tried to learn from their mistake. The show has kind of forgotten about him but I hope that means the actor is on to other projects.

They recast him in Season 2 and I do prefer Reggio 2.0

40. Reggie Mantle: My friend always says “I love my hot dumb Reggie”. I don’t. The whole first two seasons he’s like this sexist jerk who almost shot Fangs, dealt Jungle-Jangle (what Riverdale calls drugs), accused Jughead of Necrophilia, crashed Jughead’s party, told Veronica that she’d be going to jail, and would creepily flirt with Josie. Then suddenly because he’s willing to help Veronica run her semi-criminal speakeasy and carry heavy boxes in dress pants but no shirt we’re supposed to like him? NO. I do not like. Like he’s fine, his dumbness introduced drama and creates a classic teen love triangle between Archie and Reggie and Veronica. Whatever. They recast him in season 2 and I prefer Reggie 2.0.

39. Sisters of Quiet Mercy Girl: There was one girl who usually had lines at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy and she was always giving 110% which I appreciate.

38. Laurie Lakes: A farm girl who turned Archie in when he was on the run from Hiram. She did not waste the opportunity to straddle him and shave him while he was shirtless after he had been broken up with Veronica for like 10 minutes.

37. Joaquin DeSantos: Kevin’s first boyfriend and a Southside Serpent from back when the Serpents were edgy. He was only dating Kevin at FP’s order (TBT to shady FP). He broke Kevin’s heart and later betrayed Archie after randomly kissing him for the trailers, I mean, for an apology. He died running away as part of a GnG game which is what he deserved for betraying me twice.

36. Melody: The Pussycat who was never given a storyline. She deserved better.

35. Midge Klump: Midge looks like Carly Rae Jepsen. She had very little personality and was mainly an obstacle for Kevin and Moose. The Black Hood apparently thought she was a sinner and when shooting her didn’t work, brutally murdered her while she played Carrie in the musical. At one point it seemed like she would suggest a three-some with Kevin and Moose but it turns out she was just trying to set Kevin up with Fangs (Same, girl, same). She was sweet and trying really hard. She deserved better than Moose and getting murdered.

34. Jellybean Jones: Jughead’s little sister with an even weirder name. At first she seemed like a tough greaser kid who had a crush on Archie, then it seemed she was scheming with her mother, then she was an oblivious twelve-year-old. Who knows what flavor this Jellybean is. (I hate myself)

33. Gladys Jones: This woman came and went like a hurricane. She appeared in Toledo, a place in Ohio (where no one should be), and revealed herself to have always shipped Archie and Jughead, endearing herself to the fanbase with a “so you two finally got together”. She also took on the hated Penny Peabody and reunited the boys with their dads. Suddenly she comes to town and she’s a villain, using her husband’s position as sheriff as a cover to deal drugs. It felt like they were setting her up to be the big villain. She kept threatening Jughead with like super up close yell-whispering and she got the Serpents to team up with the psycho ghoulies, all signs of villainy. But then she was also like I just want to be a family in the Cooper’s house, and we’re like okay? Does being a family involve threatening your son?

She spent most of her time in Riverdale bullying Veronica and Reggie who owed a ton of money to her for burning all the drugs she bought. She like took Reggie's car and was a drunk hot mess at La Bonne Nuit and tried to sing a song on stage but got heckled. I guess what I’m trying to say is they set her up as this big villain but at the end of the day after FP found out, she just kinda left and Jughead was like stay and I was like, "why, this woman has been awful to you", and then she left and said that someday she wanted to be a family again. So yeah, narratively she kind of fizzled out but she was so much fun. She got to go out in a blaze of glory in a knife fight with a one-eyed Penny Peabody. What an icon.

32. Sheriff Tom Keller: I’m not mad, Sheriff Keller. I’m just disappointed. You started towards the top of this list and you trickled down. Sure you weren’t a great Sheriff, when it came to finding the identity of the Black Hood and Jason’s murderer you were behind teenagers but I can respect a Sheriff dad who's trying his best in a crazy world (shoutout to Sheriff Stilinski in Teen Wolf). Your romance with Sierra McCoy was cute. You letting your son join a cult was not cute. Like you were spending all this time teaching Archie to box and being his coach while YOUR SON joined a cult, got cult married, moved into said cult, and gave this cult a kidney. Maybe when a homophobic ROTC gang attacked your son and caused his boyfriend to flee because his father tried to scare him straight, you should have taken him to therapy or at least paid him some attention. Cheryl had more confidence that you would save Kevin from the Farm than I ever did.

31. Jughead Jones: I have a complicated relationship with Jughead. I liked him fine up until the infamous “I’m weird. I’m a weirdo” speech where he berated his lovely girlfriend for throwing him a birthday party.

I hated him during season 2, which focused on him and the Serpents and this confusing plot line where we were supposed to think that gang’s are good (Riverdale gangs are the most fanfic-y gangs ever) but some gangs are bad, and he tries to fight Hiram Lodge’s corporate takeover and he’s even more of an edge-lord sadboi. I HATED him. And I still found him pretty annoying during the first part of season 3 but he slowly warmed on me.

Yeah he played Dungeons and Dragons while everyone else broke Archie, his best friend, out of jail, but then he left town with Archie to help him on his soul-searching escape from Hiram. And then he was mainly concerned with helping his dad, especially with his drug lord mother on the prowl, and empathetic as hell me was like, I care about my dad too, and suddenly I related to Jughead again. I’m still confused as to what exactly the Serpents are. Are they a club, a violent gang like they were in season 1, junior cadets who fight crime? No clue. I hate that he is somehow the Serpent King and that he threatens people with knives sometimes but when he’s just being regular amateur teen detective Jughead who happens to be the leader of a chill biker club, I care about him, and Season 3 gave us much more of that Jughead which made me really happy. (Also hot take, I do love his movie and pop culture references).

30. Hiram Lodge: The Daddy of Daddy issues. The one whose daughter still calls him Daddy. What you would get if King Triton, Jafar, and a gay porn version of the Godfather were Frankensteined into a character. The sometimes host of Live! with Kelly. Presenting Mr. Hiram Lodge. The Man in Black was probably the biggest overarching villain until Penelope snatched his wig. Now all his attempts to build prisons and privatize the whole town seem boring and mundane. In Season 1 he was implied to be like a Wall Street crook but Season 2 he became a full on Mafia Boss who was grooming Archie to be an enforcer and Veronica to inherit his empire. He even formed a Legion of Doom to try and destroy the town and hook all the kids on drugs. He sponsored juvenile hall fight clubs, used nuns to test his drugs on children, framed a kid for murder, staged a fake shooting, the list is endless. He is so terrible that it’s really amazing Veronica trusted him for as long as she did. But part of me gets it. He is her dad. He really is a great, if overused villain, he’s calm and intimidating with an endless reach.

He does become like a Scooby-doo antagonist because all his enemies are literal children. Like he’s a mob boss but he’s biggest enemy is his daughter’s teenage boyfriend, like what??? He’s obsession with Archie goes beyond typical protective dad bs that people make facebook memes about. His obsession with Archie reminds me of Claggart’s homoerotic hate-lust obsession with Billy Budd in the Billy Budd Opera. You don’t know that reference to the Opera class I took my senior year of college? I had to use that knowledge somewhere. Think combo of Frollo/Esmeralda in Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lady Tremaine/Cinderella, Valjean/Javier in LesMis and Karofsky/Kurt in Glee. Like he hates Archie so much that he regularly tries to kill and imprison him and often these schemes involve displays of strength in Wrestling and Boxing, two sports that involve a lot of physical contact or not a lot of clothing. It’s like those dads who take prom pictures holding their daughter’s dates taken to their horrifying logical conclusion. He literally almost kills Archie in a haunting shot where Archie’s bloody mouth guard flies across the ring.

He’s just obsessed with this boy. The time when Archie challenges him to a boxing match half-naked in a steam room and accuses him of going soft and Hiram, also half-naked, responds with “Nothing about me is soft.” (LMFAO), made me certain that the show is doing this intentionally (Much like the Billy Budd Opera, sorry I’ll stop). Why the show is doing that other than for lolz is a lot to unpack but the show is marketing to a generation with so many daddy issues it’s become a cultural joke so it makes sense that the ultimate sexualized Riverdaddy is one of the ultimate villains. Either way, it makes Hiram a pretty fun and scary villain and though it is always satisfying for Veronica to get temporary wins, I will never feel safe for her until he’s out of her life for good. Which would mean he’s dead. That got dark.

29. FP Jones: Remember when FP was a deadbeat alcoholic and Jughead was homeless and the Serpents were clearly painted as bad and FP was complicit in disposing of Jason Blossom’s body. Neither does literally anyone. Betty and Jughead forced Cheryl to bear false witness to save him (my least favorite Bughead moment of many) and then he got a fresh start as the slightly edgy but totally good dad. He’s a really fun choice for sheriff as giving him something to do keeps his character from becoming too bland. Turning the Serpents into cadets honestly makes sense in this world and keeps us from getting bogged into boring gang stuff and focuses instead on what we love, the murder mysteries. He always gives really great emotionally performances and I really feel for him as a complex character who has been through a lot and come back a better man. Sure, he hasn't solved a lot of crime as the sheriff but neither did Sheriff Keller. I also lowkey ship him and Alice just so we can see the weird AF dynamic if Betty and Jughead and their parents are dating.

28. Toni Topaz: Remember when Toni was introduced as a love interest for Jughead and an obstacle for him and Betty? Neither does literally anyone. Except me. I never forget. She dissed Betty’s ponytail, which as Kevin says is iconic and beyond reproach. I will never let that she did this go. Other than that she’s a pretty okay character. Her and Cheryl are a fun couple with a ton of drama which is great. She is a talented singer, dancer and actress and delivers great lines like “It takes a village to mercy kidnap a child.” She doesn’t have many discernible character traits but she’s fun and “edgy” and loves a dramatic hair flip. She also leads an all female gang of archers like a total boss and broke Cheryl out of Conversion therapy in suitably dramatic fashion. I love when how Nana Rose stans her and calls her Antoinette. They all should call her Antoinette.

27. Jason Blossom: What was Jason like? Do we really know? Jayjay was the light of Cheryl’s life and his mother’s delight. Polly loved him, Alice hated him. He put Polly’s name in the football team’s Spankbank or whatever it was called. He wanted to run away with Polly to a farm that we now know is a cult. Was he into the cult? We know he didn’t want to become a drug lord so good for him. What we do know is: he dead. He died and that exposed all the corruption in this perfect town that already had multiple active gangs. He is our show’s catalyst and I’m thankful for him. He’s also like a weird shadow Archie, another ginger jock, and his death makes Archie think about his legacy and this loss of innocence is essentially Archie’s arc for the show, so, despite the mystery of his death being solved, he still haunts the show, quite literally, because Edgar dug up his corpse so Cheryl could talk to it while hypnotized. She rightfully tells him that grave robbing is super creepy and then she takes Jason’s corpse home to talk to while holding a candelabra, like you do.

26. Papa Poutine and Small Fry: A mob associate of Hiram and his son. I think Archie told Hiram that Papa Poutine was going to betray him and that led to Papa Poutine’s death and Small Fry tried to get his revenge by killing Veronica and Hermione. They are this high on the list because their names are an endless source of joy to me and my friends. 10/10

25. Sierra McCoy: She was the worst when she was the Mayor and a total stage mom. After she was deposed or whatever, she became the kids go to legal aid. (There are a lot of legal issues on Riverdale). She helps them in any sticky legal situation and became one of the only sane parents in Riverdale. She also had a nice love story with Tom Keller. She went from being the worst to being very helpful. Good for her.

24. Ms. Weisz: The local Social worker, she always come in clutch to try to place the stray kid you adopted or reveal that Evelyn is actually Edgar’s wife and 27 years old.

23. Hal Cooper: What a loser. I love him as a character. He is every sad/angry man who wants to be a serial killer badass to make the world just but is really a pasty wannabe. He seemed fine enough at first but then we found out her pressured Alice to get an abortion when they were teens and was mad when she didn’t, kept that they were related to the Blossoms a secret so then Polly got pregnant with incest babies, had an affair with Penelope and then had the audacity to try and purge the town from sinners. He became a serial killer who only actually murdered a few people and spent most of the time torturing his daughter with mind games.

I loved his dark relationship with Betty, how he told her his speech inspired him, how he told her they were just like each other, and how when Betty had nowhere to turn to she would always go to prison and talk to him behind glass like it was Silence of the Lambs or something. Then he got a hook hand. OMG perfect. He also turned out to be a pawn for Penelope, their affair is what fanned his killing spree, not Betty’s speech or his childhood in a family of weird religious murderers. He was a failure to every woman in his life. Alice told him he was half the man FP was. Penelope told him he was a lousy serial killer when she shot him. He sucked. But Betty really did love him and I felt for her when he was the only family member she could go to or when he was shot. It’s a really sad but realistic dynamic of fear and love and betrayal and it’s what makes Riverdale such a great teen drama.

22. Hermione Lodge: Who is Hermione Lodge? No freaking clue. Is she the tragic victim of an abusive husband that wanted a clean fresh start and had feelings for Fred Andrews? Is she the real one pulling the strings like the one episode where Andre called her the boss? Is she a puppet mayor? A depressed alcoholic? A pawn? A loving mother? WHO KNOWS? NOT ME! I’m interested though. She’s corrupt but not as corrupt as Hiram and Smithers did say she was a good person but she did try to kill Hiram. Who is this woman? I really want to know, like I feel like there’s this long con the writers a pulling off. Probably not though. I just find her complicated and interesting. She went from being one of the best Riverdale parents to the worst and I want to know what’s going on behind her sad eyes.

21. Edgar Evernever: Cheryl called him a yummy snack. If he was a snack it would be cheese puffs because they seem like a good idea as long as you're eating them but then when you stop your hands are covered in cheese powder and your mouth feels like it was attacked by a thousand tiny knives. He is great at playing a charismatic and manipulative villain and I totally buy him as a cult leader. He is such a great antagonist. His delayed reveal made him really intimidating. He always has Betty at every turn and has completely controlled her family life. It’s tragic. He is a great villain with an army of mindless minions in white and I did not see his organ harvesting scheme coming. He’s still on the loose and he has Alice and Fangs! He must be stopped. But I can’t wait to see more of him.

20. Ms. Mulwray: A shady water inspector who Hermione thought was Hiram’s mistress in the noir episode. She is played by Mark Consuelos’s IRL wife Kelly Rippa. I loved every second that she was in and wish he had more of her. I love that her name is a Chinatown shout out. A+.

19. Fred Andrews: RIP Luke Perry. You will be missed. He seemed like a wonderful person and his character Fred was one of the few wholesome bright spots in the town. He is Archie’s rock and when he was shot it made sense that it shook who Archie was too the core and led him down a path of darkness. Fred always saw the best in people and believed in what Riverdale could be. He wanted to make it the bright place from the comics. He was an idealist and was one of the few characters who seemed to treat the teens as teens. He had this kindly good-humor and patience with their crazy antics. I loved how Hiram trying to get between Archie and Fred is what woke Archie up from the Lodge spell and helped him realize just how shady Hiram was. Lowkey though I am mad at him for not realizing that his son was being sexually taken advantage of by Ms. Grundy and when he did find out, not really talking to Archie about it or treating the fact that his son was regularly statutory raped by this woman as a big deal. The show has wisely not dealt with Luke Perry’s death yet, wanting to give his family and the cast time to mourn and make sure they say farewell to Fred Andrews in the most respectful way possible. I will miss his calming presence on the show.

18. Pop Tate: The man behind Pop’s chocolate shop, the heart and soul of Riverdale. He’s a badass Santa Clause who makes burgers and milkshakes and has a shotgun. The only purely good character in Riverdale the town and the show. I get the vibe that he’s exhausted with these children’s antics and having his shop owned my a teenage girl who opened a speakeasy in the basement. Maybe that’s why he waited so long to tell her that her father bamboozled her and she doesn’t even own Pop's or La Bonne Nuit!

17. Juniper and Dagwood: Are Polly's literal innocent babies. They lost some points for their dumb hippie names but they can’t help that their mom is bonkers.

16. Mad Dog: He started out as a character that everyone was like “another token black character who immediately dies” but then the show brought him back. He’s a chill guy who’s just trying to look after his family and support his friends. He’s tough, loyal, and a great friend to Archie. They’s turning the El Royale Gym into a community center together. Like bro-goals. Mad Dog is just a normal person who only has drama because of all the other crazies in this town. I really hope he can stick around for some more Bromance, boxing and prison escape adventures. 10/10

15. Mary Andrews: Molly Ringwald will forever play moms in teen content but this far outshines her role in the worst teen drama of all time Secret Life of the American Teenager. Mary Andrews is one of the few characters with a brain. A badass lawyer lady who lives in Chicago and goes on singles cruises, she always a high powered fellow alumnus of Sarah Florence to swoop in and lend a helping hand. She calls Archie out on his shit, like when he was being a jerk to his dad, tells it like it is, defended Archie in court like a boss, wanted him to leave the mess that is Riverdale and is one of few people to consistently acts like a regular and logical human. She is also a huge Archie and Veronica shipper. She thinks they're ENDGAME ™.

14. Nana Rose Blossom: I’m such a huge Nana Rose stan that I ignore her problematic past. Like her and her husband essentially buying Penelope from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy because of her red hair and taking part in hanging a man falsely accused of murder. What’s past in the past, let it go, because Nana Rose today is an icon. According to Cheryl she has “Gypsy blood” which gives her a magical third eye. Okay Cheryl, racist, but it just adds to her batty fun. She’s survived numerous murder attempts, offered to adopt a bunch of stray children, crawled across the floor after being left there stuck to warn Toni that Cheryl had been taken to Conversion Therapy, and warned Toni and Cheryl that Penelope was trying to kill her school chums. She’s a total Toni stan, always supporting her and Cheryl. She basically thinks of Antoinette as a badass hero. She also unironically uses the word chums. Did she one time tell Penelope that she should of drowned the twins? Maybe. But she also loved Cheryl’s red Christmas tree and loves her unconditionally. I support Nana Rose 100%.

13. Veronica Lodge: I have mixed feelings on Veronica. Mainly because of Season 2. Which is true of like every character. This girl is so committed to being extra that sometimes it’s annoying. But then I’m like I think she’s supposed to be intentionally annoying and I let it slide. Of all the kids Veronica is the one who loves playing adult the most. She acts like she’s this worldly girl from the city and runs some semi-successful businesses like Pop’s Diner and an underground Speakeasy with a cabaret show that serves alcohol to minors and has gambling. What I love about her though is that she really is just a teen in over her head. She is out of her depth so when she does outwit Hiram and the other schemey adults, it feels like a hard won victory. Is the amount of times she says “Archiekins” and “daddy” basically a meme? Yes. Does her commitment to being extra include saying things like “only by a gossamer thread”, accusing Cheryl of twincest, talking about her “Bad Girl Past”, walking down the church aisle at her Confirmation singing “Bittersweet Symphony” from Cruel Intentions, and uttering the best line in television history “I’d recognize those abs anywhere". It sure as Hades does. She’s been a Pussycat, a Heather, a River Vixen, a Mafia Princess, she wears many hats. She also pulls stealth missions in heels, black catsuits with chest windows and sometimes even capes. No one does stealth like Veronica, the girl who survived an awful pre-funeral slumber party at the Blossoms and organized her boyfriend's prion escape.

I used to be bored with the Archie/Veronica pairing but I’ve warmed up to it. They do make a good team, I mean they took Hiram down. Hiram does lead to my main problem with Veronica. Season One Veronica is like “My dad is terrible”. Season Two Veronica is like “I am suddenly clueless to all my familiy's crime and now I want to be part of the business but I want it to be legitimate but I know that it’s totally not but I’ll support it anyway even if it means betraying my BFF Betty.” (Betty has been a shitty friend too at times in fairness). And I’m like Veronica, your dad is obviously evil and you know this. Why are you so su,ddenly dumb?

Season Three had a more interesting dynamic. Like she wanted to be independent but still wanted to impress her dad and still trusted him even though she knew she shouldn’t because he’s her dad. Like I get that. But then when she sees that her dad is basically robbing her and divorcing her mother (not to mention trying to kill Archie multiple times) she uses his desire to groom her to take over the crime business and his hatred of Archie against him and gets a huge win.

She can be really clever. I like clever but conflicted Veronica who is smart but in over her head much more than blindly trusting Veronica. And the spoiled rich girl thing trying to be relatable really adds to her charm. She has one of the show’s most famous lines “Forget it, Jughead. It’s Riverdale.” Also “You wanted Fire. My specialty’s Ice”. Still don’t know what that means.

12. Ethel Muggs: Oh Ethel what a ride. It’s hard to keep track of who Ethel is. We met her as a victim of slut shaming and Hiram’s corrupt business practices (discovering this is what led to Veronica’s iconic ripping pearls off her neck while she cries moment). She was someone for Veronica and the others to champion and defend. Veronica would try and make things up to her with stuff, Betty invited her to Jughead’s inner circle Birthday party, Archie saved her from violence with his Red Circle crew. Is having the only plus size character be a sad victim in need of saving problematic? probably. Is what she has become problematic? Who can say? Ethel 2.0 dumped a milkshake on Veronica’s head (another Glee shout out to getting slushied), blackmailed Kevin and Cheryl with serial killer letters to try to become the lead in the play, was brutal when she was running for class president, became obsessed with Griffins and Gargoyles and fell in love with Jughead, and ended up hooked on fizzle rocks at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, until Betty helped her and they joined together to free the other kids from the convent. What a wild ride of a character.

Sisters of Quiet Mercy Ethel’s interactions with Betty gave us some of the best moments of the series. Like Betty spitting out Ethelhead or internally screaming “This pyscho bitch”. And when she pretending to be tight with the Gargoyle King and was all “like omg, he’s so funny” and Ethel raged. It was great. Then it turns out that she went back to GnG and the Gargoyle King after escaping the convent and tried to have Betty killed. Then she became queen of an army of feral boy scouts and when Jughead found her, she gave us a Star Wars shout out by saying “Help me Jughead Jones, you’re my only hope.” What a gem. If I could describe Ethel in one word it would be UNHINGED. And that’s what makes her so great. She is life. She is the box of chocolates that you never know what you’re going to get and I love it.

11. Evelyn Evernever: I love her. At first I lowkey related to her as a former college bible study leader, like she’s just doing her best to get people to join her religious club and convince people that it’s fun. But she’s such a great villain because she ruins your life with a welcoming smile. And it turns out she’s not a teen or Edgar’s daughter, she’s like 30 and married to Edgar and pretends to be a teen to recruit high schoolers to her cult. But she still calls Edgar Dad and wants to please him like he’s her dad. Oh gosh. This really is Daddy Issues the Show. Props for getting my OTP Fangs and Kevin together even if it was in a cult ceremony. I’m pretty sure she is bananas. Also I love how her clothing has this kind of 60’s vibe in contrast to everyone else’s 50’s inspired outfits because she's part of the culty counter-culture. Good choice. Oh and she threw a rager in an old convent/asylum that was purchased by her cult. And she doesn’t get vaccines. And she is the best at passive aggressive pettiness. Her and Betty’s stand-offs were great. Hope she sticks around for Season 4.

10. Penelope Blossom: The Maleficent of Riverdale, here to wreak vengeance on the morally corrupt town. I freaking love her. She is an icon of evil. The show's greatest villain. She steals every scene she is in and her bone structure could cut glass. Both a mourning mother and a dominatrix madame, Penelope can do it all. An expert at poisons and potions she could even be a literal witch from the Sabrina-verse. She has the best motivation of any Riverdale villain. The town let her be sold as a child bride and they showed no sympathy or kindness when she lost her son. She’s not wrong. All the signs pointing to her as the true villain were there but we didn’t catch them, or at least I didn’t. All the horrors of the Black Hood and the Gargoyle King were wrought by her hand. A woman wronged by a town that doesn’t even care when drug production poisons the water and gives women seizures, she isn’t afraid to use sex to manipulate weak men like Hal and Chic. She’s so far gone she even dressed up Chic as her son and yet she is still one step ahead of everyone else, patiently waiting for Jughead and Betty to put the pieces together. She played the long game, starting in high school and up to now, where she smiles and asks Betty to call her Auntie while plotting her demise. Penelope may have lost but I’m sure she’ll be back again.

She is also terrible to poor Cheryl, the unfavorite, calling her a demon-child and locking her away in conversion therapy. I appreciate how the BDSM brothel madame is the homophobic parent, the religious homophobic parent having become a tired trope. Her poor treatment of her only living child is just the cherry on top the sundae of her messed up, brilliant wickedness.

9. Alice Cooper: The legend who got slapped in the face twice at the same party, Alice Cooper. Betty’s mom has been psycho from day one. She’s uttered some of my favorite lines, including “Sorry to interrupt your adultery, Fred” and “I didn’t forsake you Betty, you forsook me.” Season 2 she was an iconic train wreck, getting attached to her imposter-son Chic, casually murdering a man and asking Betty to help cover it up, breaking down and singing to Betty in the middle of rehearsal for the High School musical which she was in, and showing up to an event in a dramatic Serpent dress, what an unstable woman. I wasn’t surprised when she joined the Farm. Like her husband was a serial killer (but she did still had dad heartthrob FP), she had damage. She went all in on the Farm, liquidating Betty’s college funds, selling the house, using their connections to become a hilariously vapid newscaster, almost marrying Edgar and it pissed me off. Like giving away her college fund, what the heck Alice? She chose supernatural visits with her dead son over her relationship with her living daughter. Maybe because Betty’s father was a serial killer and Charles is the son of her high school sweetheart FP?

When Betty kidnapped her and begged her to remember their past by showing her pictures and Alice said that their whole life together was corrupted by Hal the serial killer and then burned all their pictures, it hit me hard. Like if you’ve ever had a family member or friend who becomes a whole new person and you can’t reach them no matter how close you were, they’ve become someone else and your past relationship is gone, this storyline becomes really relatable. Like that might be the most emotionally powerful moment in Riverdale. It broke my heart.

And you know what, as much as a I love Alice for the drama she creates and her complicated relationship with Betty, I was pissed at her. And the twist that she was going undercover for the FBI to take down the Farm with the real Charles was too much for me. None of her past behavior seemed to be necessary to taking down that Farm, and why could she have not told Betty or at least made sure she was okay before going all in and giving her money to the Farm and selling the house. Veronica is like “That actually tracks” but it does not track. It’s one of the few Riverdale plot twists that feels too forced for even me to buy. Either way I hope Alice escapes the Farm and heads back to Riverdale to keep things dramatic.

8. Josie McCoy: Josie McCoy suffered from what I right now have decided to call Mercedes syndrome. Yes this is another Glee reference. Josie and Mercedes are two black female leads in ensemble teen dramas who are consistently given less storylines and attention than their (often white) counterparts. Josie gets this even worse than Mercedes. Mercedes at least would have regular diva offs and some romance stuff with Sam and her friendship with Kurt. I knew much more about Mercedes internal life than I ever did about Josie. We know she wants to be a star and she’s one of the most sensible people in this crazy town but that’s about it. When I did see her, I liked her, she was funny and one of the few people who seemed to understand how bonkers everything was. Problem is we rarely saw her. She mainly just sang covers to highlight the latest confluence of dramatic events, usually sex scenes and fight scenes. Season 3 tried to rectify this, first by an offscreen romance with Sweet Pea that literally no one cared about, then by pairing her up with Archie. Archosie was a ship I was not expecting but I fully got on board. They were really cute together and she brought him down to earth and he supported her dreams. They were pretty healthy and communicative and they sang a Heathers song together. Perfect. I always knew that they weren’t ENDGAME ™ but they were fun while they lasted. Josie is off to go on tour and star in the Katy Keen spinoff where they better give her some storylines, please and thank you.

7. Val: Oh Val, you were a gem. A non-dramatic person in a sea of drama queens. Your relationship with Archie was so wholesome and normal. You supported his music but always called him on his crap. When he pimped himself out to Cheryl and the Blossoms, you clapped back. When he was a drunk hot mess, you were like get it together. I’m very happy that you have gone on to find other work but I will forever miss you in Riverdale.

6. Fangs Fogarty: Oh Fangs. My adorable cinnamon roll gang member. Whenever someone needs to be a doe-eyed damsel and a gang member they pick Fangs. Shot in the streets: Fangs. Dangled from a balcony by Kurtz: Fangs. Beat up by the Pretty Poisons: Fangs. Had to deal Fizzle Rocks because his Grandma was sick: Fangs. Accidentally shot Tall Boy: Fangs. Recruited by a cult and whisked away by them at the end of the season: Fangs. Fangs has this easy-going and blundering charm and that’s made him my favorite Serpent since he kept forgetting Kevin’s tea during the first musical episode. Him and Kevin have been a slow burn. It took them forever and drug/cult induced hallucinations to get them to finally get together and when they did they went all way to stage 10 and got cult married. In the midst of being part of a cult, Fangs still managed to be an active Serpent, a member of Archie’s boxing gym, and maintain a cult marriage with Kevin where they played hacky sack in an old convent, so the boy can multitask. He’s a fun and endearing character and I hope they rescue him from the Farm. The boy does always need to be rescued.

5. Smithers: What an adorable happy man who works as a door-man/chauffeur for a mafia family. I stan Smithers. I was just as outraged as Veronica when they replaced him with Andre. I’m glad he’s still alive and able to help Veronica. Not sure how much I can trust his judgement as he told Veronica her mother was a good person and Hermione is complicit in some shady activities, including attempted murder. So maybe he’s just too good for this sinful earth and sees the good part of Hermione, also known as Season One Hermione. Also he is now Veronica’s legal guardian (not any of her family members) because her parents are in jail. In short, Smithers is great, may he drive forever.

4. Cheryl Blossom: Cheryl Bombshell might be the Riverdale character with the biggest cultural impact. Her style and sass are iconic and she is gorgeous. She has a huge fanbase and despite the fact that she is regularly a horrible person and a bully, we all love and root for her. This girl has a messed up childhood, the gothic heroine in a manor with two dreadful parents and a beloved brother who was murdered. Like I get why she’s a little imbalanced but she did bully Betty and got her own girlfriend kicked out of her gang because she loved playing cat burglar. Like she doesn’t get that there are consequences to things. But credit where credit is due, she loves her friends even though she is kind of the mean girl. She’s the tv trope of the mean girl who hangs out with the kids she’s mean too. I mean, that’s why she was pissed that she wasn’t invited to the weekend trip. But she’s saved their asses just as much as they have saved hers. She has her red riding hood get up and her bow and arrows that she uses to strike down her foes like she’s in Lord of the Rings.

She wears thigh high boots to go on stealth missions, a spider brooch for regular life and an HBIC shirt for Cheer practice. She’s the Captain of the River Vixens because of course she is. She has more one liners that I can even think of. She plays the lead in every musical despite not having the best voice (I can’t wait to see her as Regina in the Riverdale version of Mean Girls the musical. It’s only a matter of time) because of her sheer charisma. Heck, she even gets to pick the musical every year. She claimed to own the color red, she dressed up as Carrie to scare away her mom and protect her Nana, she burned her family manor to the ground, and used the words “Cuckoo-bananas” unironically. This girl is in a league of her own. Her doe-eyed Ariel face holds endless sass and suffering and no plot with Cheryl in it is ever boring.

3. Kevin Keller: Sweet baby boi Kevin, the closest character this show has to an actual teenager despite his actor looking the most obviously in his 20s. Kevin is the most hashtag relatable. Always ignored, friends with the popular leads but always out of the loop, knows some of the drama but isn’t that directly involved and is overall clueless, tries to throw a secret santa but his friends have to much drama, eats carbs when he’s sad, just wants to drink a glass of milk and play a nerdy board game, hosts the talent show and directs the musical, okay maybe this is getting too specific to my high school experience.

Kevin is an audience stand-in for most of Season One. His reactions to the drama are the audience’s. Like when Cheryl showed up in all white at Jason’s funeral Kevin and I said “Yes” enthusiastically at the same time. His freaking out at Archie getting hot, expressing amazed bewilderment when Penelope stroked Archie’s red hair at Jason’s funeral, obsessing over the drama of Veronica accusing Cheryl of twincest, or telling Veronica that Betty and Archie are ENDGAME ™ made him the show’s meta-voice. Now literally every character is meta so it doesn’t stand out but Kevin did it first. While never going full out Kurt Hummel camp-gay, his love of drama became our window into loving the drama and a source of comic relief. Cheryl shows up to do recon in thigh high boots, Kevin wants to know where she got them. Veronica makes yet another dramatic pronouncement, Kevin asks Jughead “What was life like before she got here? I literally can’t remember”. Some rando named Toni DARE criticize Betty’s iconic pony-tail, he is there to remind us that it is “iconic and beyond reproach”.

Kevin was regularly around in season one. He was always there for pivotal moments, he had a plot line where he dated Joaquin, he was even here when they discovered the footage of Jason’s murder. Post Season One, after he was upgraded from recurring to regular, he is literally forgotten about. Veronica has replaced him as Betty’s best friend, the only plot lines he has had are pining after, secretly dating, and wanting to have sex with closeted piece of cardboard Moose who got him into drugs and the ROTC, jogging in the woods looking for strange men to hook up with, helping them break Cheryl out of conversion therapy and Archie out of jail, directing the musicals where Cheryl and Evelyn boss him around and he calls Cheryl's singing “undeniable”, and joining a cult. Like that’s all.

He’s supposed to be a main character, what happened? He did finally get together with Fangs who they had been ship teasing him with for a while. Evelyn cult married them and they became like drones who served the cult. I am happy they finally got together but cult married zombies is not who I was hoping they’d be. Then when the FARM “ascended” they left him behind. Even the CULT he joined left him behind!! Fangs left him behind. Three different boyfriends have all left Kevin. That’s 3/3. He’s left behind to “tell the story of what happened”. Idk what happened but I hope in Season 4 they give him a plot again. Like remember when he helped Archie look for the Shadow Lake boys. That was a main plot with Kevin. Can we do more of that please? I NEED MORE KEVIN.

2. Archie Andrews: Do I connect with Archie because he has red hair? As I have previously established it does not take much for me to connect to a character. I’m like "I had red hair in high school, I cared about my friends and my dad, I had a crush on a new girl every 10 minutes. I was just like Archie when I was 16." Then I’m like "let’s be real I have much more in common with desperate theater dweeb Kevin that heartthrob abtacular Archibald". Archie began as the latest in the line of “Heads in the Game but the Heart’s in the Song” teen characters, following in the footsteps of Troy Bolton and Finn Hudson. His duality between Football and Music was tainted by the fact that he was being preyed on by sexual predator Geraldine Grundy. So then it became Archie being torn between his innocence and serving Hiram in the mafia. Season 3 was a battle between his darkness and his light through his time in Juvie (where he sent himself despite being innocent to atone for his descent into violence and evil serving Hiram), his forced guilt exile into the countryside (where he was attacked by a bear in the most iconic bear attack since Shakespeare’s The Winter's Tale), and his new obsession with boxing formed from his time in the prison fight club.

This boy needs therapy and it is disturbing how often the show only gives him physical strength and violence as means of solving problems. Like I get that he’s the dumbest of the leads but you can’t point out his penchant for dangerous violence and then give him violence as his only way to redeem himself. Him being stripped down to merely his physicality, whether that be as a sexual object or as someone who uses physical violence to overcome problems, is one of the must frustrating aspects of the show for me. It stagnates the development of a really interesting character. Riverdale is a show about good and evil and how it’s inside all of us. Good-natured, All-American boy Archie brings a gun to school, starts a vigilante group and joins the mafia when his father is shot. This is the same character who punched the ice till his hands were bloody to save Cheryl’s life and helped Betty when the Blackhood was stalking her. He can be kind and sweet but also angry, yes, typical teen boy moodiness, but this is a melodrama after all and this is all heightened to show that light and darkness fight inside all of us.

Even when he returns to the light, he’s lost his innocence, just like Riverdale. He’s not the same boy. He’s been manipulated to perform sexual and violent acts by adults around him and he’s become a sadder person. I never related to Archie more than when his guilt about who he’s become caused him to have a hallucinogenic fantasy about bashing his face in with a baseball bat. He thinks his weakness failed himself and the town but really the town corrupted him. Penelope isn’t all wrong when she says Riverdale is an evil place. Look how it as ravaged FP and Alice? How it has destroyed Cheryl and Jason? Anything good and pure it will destroy. The boxing Archie is fighting against this, though. Opening a halfway house/community center with Mad Dog is a good and altruistic endeavor that will do a lot more to brighten Riverdale than a teen speakeasy.

Now that Veronica and Archiekins have a reprieve from Hiram, because as Archie so aptly put it “We get Ronnie, your dad sucks”, perhaps they will draw each other more to the light instead of her dragging him down. I still want Riverdale to at least try out the Betty/Archie pairing just to see what that would be like but overall I hope that going forward they continue to explore Archie more instead of boiling down all his traits and problems to matters of physicality. It’s his attempt to regain some of that lost purity and hope for his future that makes him such an interesting and relatable character to me and that’s what I want to see more.

1. Betty Cooper: I will argue with anyone that Betty Cooper is the true protagonist of Riverdale. The Nancy Drew detective who takes down the evil forces of Riverdale. Her internal conflict between light and darkness, between the wholesome blonde doe-eyed good girl and the daughter of a serial killer who is capable of snapping her emotions off in a second is central to the show. Some attempts to explore this darkness have been hella lame. (Remember stripper and cam girl Betty? The show doesn’t want to either). But overall this conflict is really tangible, she is shocked sometimes by what she will do to take down bad men. She allegedly has the serial killer gene. At the same time she is a force of hope. Her speech in the season one finale, urged for Riverdale to be better. She is the leader of the group and the most dedicated to solving the towns mysteries. They also hit her closest to home.

Jason was the father of her niece and nephew, The Black Hood was her father, and The Farm has control over her mother, sister, and niece and nephew. She was the Gargoyle King’s opposite, the Gryphon Queen who saved the Sisters of Quiet Mercy kids from the Gargoyle King and took them all home to live with her. She is deeply flawed. She cannot do undercover missions at all and all her attempts to learn about the Farm were so transparent. She couldn’t hide her annoyance for one second. It was lowkey hilarious. She seems like she’s about to break any moment. Her relationship with her mother is taught. At first Alice wants to tightly control her and then her mother abandons her for a cult and a chance to talk to her dead son (from Betty’s perspective). This plot line really got to me emotionally. Betty cares about her mother a lot. She even tried to reunite her and Charles at great personal risk and Alice abandoning her like that broke my heart.

Betty’s romance with Jughead started as really sweet and though they went through a phase of being really annoying, they got back to being the ultimate crime solving team that we know and love. They attach to each other so deeply because they are the only stability they have due to their unstable parents. Betty isn’t afraid to take on evil head on, investigating the Sisters and the Farm while trapped and facing whatever retaliation they gave her. Her time in the Sisters was hilarious. This scene may be the funniest scene in Riverdale. (0:00-1:08)

Betty is ultimately the heroine of the show. She is the force that confronts the Black Hood and chooses not to sink into his darkness, she resists the pull of the Farm and discovers the Edgar’s organ harvesting, she found out that Clifford Blossom killed his own son, her ponytail is iconic and beyond reproach. She is the lynchpin that keeps most of the characters tied to the main story. Her loss of innocence as her perfect family and perfect town are revealed to be dark and treacherous, and her desire to set everything right is the emotional core of the story.

She fights between her darkness and light more so than any other character, even Archie. She’s grown from a lovesick school girl pining for Archie to the teen detective who takes down Riverdale’s edgy Scooby-Doo villains. Yeah she may have her cringe moments, “The Serpent Queen is a warrior Queen”. But her story is the story of Riverdale, the town and the show, and her emotional journey, her coming-of-age, is what drives this rollercoaster of a show and makes it the addicting, compelling, melodrama that dominates the teen drama tv-scape. 5000/10.