Smash Smashed my Hopes, Dreams and Feminism

“You know what else is sad, Karen? Sexual harassment in the workplace.” - Hannah

I am joined by a special guest this post. My bff who I like to think I rescued from Ohio, Hannah. Over a year ago Hannah invited me on an epic quest to view the iconic show that literally invented hate-watching, SMASH. Like all quests I am forever changed by this undertaking. I have become older, wiser, aged beyond my young years. Like Sir Galahad on his quest for the Grail except the Grail is the satisfaction of knowing I was strong enough to watch all of SMASH and live to tell the tale.

Happy to be here. I honestly think I may have lead Cullen astray in encouraging him to watch the show. I’m pretty sure he was like, “Omg I’m a big musical theatre person and haven’t seen SMASH, should I?” and I was like, “Yeah it’s okay but also a mess I think.” I was actually genuinely excited to share with you some of the Bombshell music that I adored (many numbers which I still do even after the hate-watching). I remembered not understanding what the Marilyn musical was about but that I loved “Let Me Be Your Star.” Little did I remember of the plot from watching it all the way back in 2012-2013...

There are some things about TV that I truly believe and argue. One is that Riverdale is a GOOD show. I believe just as firmly that SMASH is a BAD show. It is on so many levels. It has a wonderfully talented cast and some great songs but the storytelling is bonkers. Sometimes bonkers storytelling is intentionally fun as with Melodramatic Riverdale or Soapy Reign, but SMASH always positioned itself as a kind of prestige drama about real people and adults. Teenage antics can be fun but adults acting like teenagers is just embarrassing for the characters and writers and for us, the poor audience. I love SMASH as much as a hate it. Okay, I probs hate it more. But I do miss it now that it’s over. Perhaps because I now associate it with my long distance friendship with Hannah and all the fun we had watching. But watching the show also physically hurt me and by the end I could not wait for the dumbness to end. I have like five ironic Smash Tedtalks that nobody wants in my head, including one how it’s an adaptation of the Biblical Book of Judges. Instead I’m going to write this post about the SMASH Tony’s that Hannah and I made. We nominated our favorite and least favorite bits of the show as a way to discuss what made a show with a good premise like SMASH fail so spectacularly that it gave birth the hate-watching and even it’s stars lovingly poke fun at its ridiculousness.

Again, I cannot apologize enough for encouraging Cullen to subject himself to the torture that is SMASH. Our idea was originally to just make a quick ballot on a shared iPhone note and then share our opinions after finishing the final two episodes on the anniversary of the series finale. Perfect timing, lemme tell ya. But instead of taking the easy route, I went full Sean Hayes as Terry, the crazy celebrity who goes off his meds and makes a mockery of an already bananas musical version of Dangerous Liaisons, and spent 8 hours of my life making a Google Form Tonys Ballot for Cullen and me to fill out. Pictures, puns and self-deprecating commentary included. Easily one of my top 10 greatest accomplishments.

Watching SMASH makes you feel as if all your hopes, dreams and humanity as well as Feminism itself have been smashed into a million pieces, so I don’t recommend subjecting yourself to it. Just read this article instead.

““If someone believes in #notallmen, show them Smash to prove all men actually suck.” - Me.

(I am a man and do not believe that all men suck but all the male characters in SMASH definitely suck to the point where I expressed this statement while watching the final episodes)

Main Character that is Actually Likable

We did this thing when watching SMASH where we assigned every character an equivalent in our Boston friend group/Graduate Program. We assigned two characters to ourselves, which is telling. These were the only main characters we could actually connect and empathize with and only sometimes hate.

It’s only fitting that our favorite characters turned out to be the ones we assigned ourselves. And honestly I can’t tell if it was self-indulgence or happenstance. Maybe both? I try not to think about it.

Karen Cartwright

SMASH introduced me to one of my fictional doppelgangers and new celebrity crushes in one character, Katherine McPhee’s Karen Cartwright. Katherine McPhee is very beautiful, her hair is always stunning and her brown doe eyes are so sweet. I am literally stunned by her beauty in every scene of this show. I also identified with her, so I would often say whenever she was on the screen. “I am so hot”. Hannah can verify this.

More importantly, I resonated with Karen because she was this generically nice, sweet, doormat with artistic aspirations who just wanted for everyone to get along and be friends. She had a vanilla personality, would say things “like I love church”, overestimated her own talents and could only really be sexy in a performative way. These are all things that describe me. I am this vanilla basic ingenue from the Midwest.

Yes, talent-wise Karen was not the ideal choice for the lead in a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe but she slayed “Don’t Forget Me”, which is the most genuinely emotional moment in the show. She was one of the few characters with a clear goal you could root for, and while she was flawed, she didn’t make morally disgusting choices. She wanted to be a star on Broadway without sleeping or backstabbing her way to the top. People treated her terribly and she put up with it and kept working towards her dream. This is a goal we can root for. We can attach ourselves to her and want her to succeed. Her choices were more human, understandable. She tried to do the right thing and listen to her heart, and sometimes she failed, but like you could get why a normal human being who was capable of love would make those choices.

She was accused of “stringing men along” by being nice to them and putting up with their shit which is part of SMASH’s awful understanding of creative and sexual relationships which we’ll talk more about later. Her biggest flaw would be that she felt responsibility to emotionally support the awful men in her life (Derek, Dev, Jimmy). These men were all awful and did not deserve her romantic love or platonic support which she gave so freely. Sure, Karen could be bland but she was understandable, you could empathize with her and feel how she was feeling. You could want her to achieve her goals and succeed vicariously through her. This is necessary for a television character whether an ingenue or anti-hero. We need to be able to root for them and empathize with them. The only other main character on SMASH that had these qualities was Eileen.

Karen will forever be my favorite character on SMASH and despite not being as talented as Ivy, deserved the role of Marilyn and the tony for HITLIST. (Well Sutton Foster was in the running, so maybe her.) I STAN KAREN.

Honestly, Karen IS a shining gem in a sea of dirty, soggy, moss-covered rocks. An ingenue through and through, she just wants what’s best for everybody, often at the cost of her own happiness. She is the vessel for man-pain and she deserved better character development. However, it was good to have some sort of breath of fresh air when she didn’t throw people under the bus for literally no reason like other people did. And this could be my modern-feminist self talking, but shouldn’t we be expecting more from our female characters, even those from the year 2012? Based on how this show treats sexual harassment in the theatre and film&TV industries, I’m guessing I’ve set the bar too high.

What I do find genuinely interesting about her role of “stringing men along” is that she becomes the literal tie between these two separate shows owned and operated by men. Eileen may be the producer, but Tom is the one making the big, creative calls. If Karen didn’t exist, you’re absolutely right, we’d have NO ONE, not even dear Eileen, to root for. While Karen has her ups and downs in terms of likeability and believability IMHO, she was the most consistent on that front because she was just so pure unlike the heathens and sadists of this alternate-reality Broadway.

Eileen Rand

Aside from Karen, Eileen is the only character with a stable, understandable desire. She just wants to put on this dope Marilyn show and make lots of money to throw in the face of her dirtbag ex-husband. After throwing a martini in his face, of course.I love when Eileen throws drinks at people. She is fun and likable and I want her to prove herself to the world and triumph over her garbage ex-husband.

And that’s really what it comes down to for both Karen and Eileen. They have an agenda that means overcoming hardship or people not believing in them. Everyone else is overcoming their own terrible character traits or using those terrible character traits to get ahead. While Eileen lacks the sweetness and purity that Karen encompasses, she is still pure enough in her intentions. She never wants to throw someone under the bus who she doesn’t truly believe intended to ruin her career or try to control her.

That’s another wonderful thing about Eileen is that she’s really a feminist icon who fights against the lowly souls who try to control her. She knows what she’s capable of and she knows what she wants. She’s willing to step on people to get there, but ultimately only those that can be justifiable stepping stones: her ex-husband Jerry. Or Derek, WHO even though he went behind Eileen’s back and started working with Jerry, leaving her high and dry, she still maintained an amicable working relationship with. For what reason, I don’t know because that asshole was bringing down her street cred, the filthy cretin. Anyway.

I honestly wish that Eileen and Karen had more scenes together and tried to team up to conquer the world. They both just want success but aren’t willing to take unnecessary (or any, in Karen’s case) victims. I think the reason I latch onto Eileen more than Karen is her backbone and the fact that she has NONE of any man’s shit. But Karen does because it’s what the show has trapped her in. Maybe the show could only have one no-nonsense woman at a time because the reality they’re trying to create needs someone to put up with these stupid idiots and women are often cast in roles that try to keep men in check. So why am I surprised that Eileen was given the same general purpose as Karen?

I still STAN Eileen, even when she did basically compromise Ivy’s reputation for the sake of selling her sexy Marilyn musical. The line “You’re not a Norma Jean, you’re a Marilyn” will forever haunt me. She was basically ignoring Ivy’s plea to not be pigeonholed into taking her clothes off in every role. Eileen pushed her own self-interests of selling Ivy as Marilyn by encouraging her to do another sexy performance (that I still have no f-cking clue why it even happened??). I don’t know if I just don’t want to believe that Eileen wouldn’t betray a fellow woman or if the show was working through Eileen to punish Ivy for having curves and being incredibly talented.

Most Detestable Character - Derek Wills

I don’t know how to begin describing this piece of trash. Normally I don’t hate people because they are all God’s Children. But God didn’t make Derek, SMASH did, so I can hate him.

A runaway, unanimous decision. He. Is. The. Worst.

Derek’s character ages terribly in a post #metoo world. I’ll save some of this discussion for later but he regularly coerces women into sleeping with him in exchange for roles. This is treated as a regular character flaw, like a temper or running late or being dumb. This is not a regular character flaw. It is one of the most morally reprehensible things one can do.

Or does this show clearly identify one of society’s issues with men in power using manipulation and bargaining for sexual favors? Is Smash a morality tale?? Is Theresa Rebeck and co. modern-day Grimm Bros??? More, later in this article.

The show expects us to like and root for Derek as a flawed artistic genius. It fails on all fronts because Derek is objectively terrible and should be a villain but he’s not framed as one which may be SMASH’s greatest flaw. All his behavior, even when not being a sexual abuser, is greedy, self-centered, creepy and childish. We’re told that his talent makes it worth putting up with him but that’s not true. No talent excuses this kind of behavior but like real talk Derek isn’t that talented. And the fact that they ended this trash man’s story arc with a Tony win? Why SMASH? WHY???

Again, these “flaws” are poised forgivable because he’s so talented (in this world, I don’t believe he’s talented because I have YET to see proof of a cohesive story at his hands). Derek is literally not even a good character, bad or not. What is his background? Where did he come from? Why does he even do theatre if he’s so miserable about it? We know NOTHING about him. Yet he’s a main character.

I believe that first season was making him the villain and refused to give him proper backstory. He was supposed to be a flat, love-to-hate a-hole director. Except I don’t know that I was capable of loving him, even if just to hate him. I literally never wanted to see him on screen or listen to him speak. But alas, here we are. Season 2’s new showrunner and writing team were like “yeet, we should give him some sort of background OH I know: he’s been a sexual abuser and manipulator for A WHILE.” But that still leaves open all these questions that I didn’t have until I sat down to bitch about this show. How did he get into theatre? What made him want to be a director? What drives him (besides sex)? What motivates him to do his job (besides the potential for sex with actresses)? Where did he go to school? I get that he’s “muse-driven” but I also don’t fucking care. What lead him to be this awful person? Was he always like this?

All of these questions clearly point to the fact that he’s not even a real character. Not that any of them are. I mean, these are flat, sitcom characters operating in a dramatic story. But the show tries to give Derek an arc, like Cullen says. How can anyone truly arc if we don’t know how they even got to where they were when we first met them? Whatever. I’m sick of talking about Derek. He’s trash. Literal garbage. And he shouldn’t have won a damn thing. HE shoulda been the one hit by a car, not poor innocent bb Kyle.

These characters are also all awful humans

Ivy Lynn

I know Megan Hilty is very talented and a much more obvious choice to play Marilyn so theater kids everywhere flocked to defend her. But let’s be real. Ivy is a terrible, morally reprehensible person, who should have been fired for her unprofessional behavior regardless of talent. She is a bitch to everyone she knows and loves except for a few episodes where she abruptly became reasonable only to return to crazy again, remained terrible unto the end and is rewarded with a Tony and a Happily Ever After with Derek. I guess they deserve each other.

I literally forgot until this moment that she and Derek are having a baby together as of the end of the show. I can’t.

Ivy would go out of her way to be a jerk to Karen when she was Marilyn and Karen was a chorus girl. And then when Karen was Marilyn, she would actively work to sabotage her. Like have Ellis text her that she wasn’t needed at rehearsal so she could steal her song. Or when she knowingly slept with Karen’s fiance Dev and then KEPT THE ENGAGEMENT RING so she could dramatically show it to Karen the night she was premiering as Marilyn, to throw her off. Like what a truly awful person. She eventually, after a stint in Liasons, gets to be Marilyn and be rewarded with everything she ever wants, all the while throwing diva tantrums, uninviting her best friend Tom from her birthday party, being a selfish friend to Sam, only caring about Derek’s sexually abusive behavior if it might effect her career, and telling someone that Hit List only made it to Broadway because SOMEONE DIED. Like how can she get worse. Ugh, oh yeah, she also tried to seduce a teenage boy to get money for Bombshell. The list never ends with her.

Normal, not-mean Ivy was so bizarre. It’s like they didn’t know what to do with her for a whole four episodes. But yeah I struggle with Ivy because she is the more obvious person for Marilyn but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t be good in that role. But I also think that Ivy has worked so hard to get where she is, through the years in the chorus, not to mention her Broadway legend mother Leigh Conroy (played by the effervescent Bernadette Peters) making her somewhat naturally talented enough and groomed to be in this position. So I totally get early season 1 Ivy when she’s PISSED that Karen is so green and is her competition.

What I fail to understand is when Ivy is cast as Marilyn BEFORE Karen and is a big ass diva about it. I feel like I don’t understand her enough to justify that, even after two who seasons of her shit. What does she gain by alienating Karen? Is it that Karen got so close that she’s threatened? I feel like she was probably insecure about it, which, again, I understand. But also, I don’t. Because she’s a grown ass woman who has been in the biz for probably 15 years at that point. She actually risked more, and it becomes her bite in the ass, by alienating Karen and making herself a villain that other ensemble members could rally with Karen to dislike her. Ivy dug her own grave and the show forced her hand to do that. The show needed cattiness because women can’t be friends, only in competition with one another. To paraphrase Gretchen Weiners, “that’s just the rules of like, show writing.”

Like the man she ends up with, she’s selfish, manipulative and throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. Not to mention they’re both keen on substance abuse as well. Will NEVER be over the time Ivy almost ODed because she’s soooo like Marilyn.

Dev

This boring, dull, awful man. He was part of the amazingly bizarre Bollywood number so he has that going for him. His plot lines were boring, he was always holding Karen back and never respected her career. Anytime he could, he made it about him. You’re being sexually harassed: it’s like you’re cheating on me. I almost cheated on you: I felt like I was losing you and now I’m going to ask you to marry me in the middle of your very stressful tech week. You just got bumped up from being the understudy and need to learn a whole musical in the day: I’ll sleep with your worst enemy and spend all day asking if you have time to talk. He was dismissed at the end of the first season and I did not miss him.

LOL do you remember that time in like episode one where Karen was like “Ugh the director tried to seduce me to give me a part” and he was like “That’s showbiz bb.” Then like a few eps later when Derek had her role-play Marilyn and Jack (JFK) by stripping to her panties and a man-blouse to sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” Dev was like “You shouldn’t have to do that it’s gross.” Or maybe it was the other order. Doesn’t fucking matter though because within a few episodes, the character AND THE SHOW switched sides and it’s like, “What’s the truth, Theresa?” Also, yeah Dev is trash. He was so boring and he’s political side story was literally distracting and pointless. Honestly though, I woulda killed to have some political side story just to get me away from Derek and his nonsense.

Ellis

The evil bisexual of color. Oh SMASH, why did you make one of your few leads of color and only bi character evil? Other than his problematic nature Ellis was INSANE. He was so fun. He always had this wild schemes that did not belong in a show of this nature and that made them so fun. He loved Ivy, (Shocker, she’s also evil) and poisoned allergic Rebecca with peanuts to scare her away from playing Marilyn like he was the Phantom of the Opera. His schemes made no sense but I missed him when he as gone. SMASH without him was so tame and boring. He also left cursing “You haven’t seen the last of me.” And they only brought him back in a weird dream Tom had. Rude.

That dream shook me. I was like, “OMG Cullen he’s gonna come back. I think I remember that he does!” He doesn’t. I lied. Or my hopes and dreams lied to me. I wanted something interesting to happen so badly that I was wishing this chaotic evil bicon to wreak more havoc like putting peanuts into someone else’s smoothie. That was him, right? In researching whether he did or did not poison the once-side-character Rebecca Duval played by Kill Bill and Fall Out Boy song namesake Uma Thurman, I discovered an article that critiques Ellis as a typical bogus millennial. I did not spend a lot of time reviewing this article for farcical language or serious claims, but I need someone else to know that it exists. Thank you, Vulture. I read that article. I am enraged.

Julia Houston

At first I was like, why did Cullen leave this one blank? And then I’m like, oh yeah I don’t really know what to say about her either. She has quite the wacky scarf game? I hope to one day meet the costume person from this show and throw a martini in their face, then flip my own colorful, oversized scarf as I sashay away. But in truth, Julia was poised as an important main character in season 1 and by the end of season 2, the only thing I remember about her is that she’s played by Debra Messing. And that she has the most useless son named Leo. AND SHE NEVER FUCKING WRITES EVEN THOUGH SHE’S A WRITER YET SOMEHOW THINGS GET WRITTEN AND WE DON’T KNOW WHY. IT’S HER ONLY JOB. besides being a mom. And a dramaturg who takes credit for a dead boy’s creativity. Which was really the creativity of his druggie friend. See, this is what happens when you talk about Julia. You end up talking about anyone else. Literally anyone else is more interesting. Sorry, Debra. Enjoy your Emmy. It’ll be the last you get if you keep taking roles like this.

She is also selfish, unprofessional, ruins her marriage and blames it on other people and YOU’RE SO RIGHT SHE NEVER DOES HER JOB.

Jimmy Collins

Jimmy is a love interest written by a 12-year-old girl on Wattpad trying to edgy. He does “drugs” and wears leather and has a bad attitude. Like such a piss-poor attitude. Everyone, especially Karen, bends over backwards to make his dreams come true and he’s such a huge jerk to them. Like sorry this beautiful actress is trying to make your musical come to life, time for a meltdown. He treats Karen like crap and basically calls her a slut. And then he shows up to the premiere high, causes her to get injured and then publicly puts Karen and his bff Kyle on blast and is like “Only one of them is in love with me and it’s not the one I want” which is a terrible, mean thing to say to your kind, loyal gay friend and your sweet “girlfriend?”. She just wants to love him and he keeps secrets and throws fits. He gets a little better after his best friend dies and he feels guilty but the growth is so marginal. And then he goes to jail for leaving a girl who was overdosing when he was a teen? Like what is this man? Karen deserves better. SMASH is so bad it made me root against Jeremy Jordan. I love Jeremy Jordan. His version of Sante Fe in Newsies was the soundtrack of my teen angst. I loved him so much in Supergirl I couldn’t watch it after he left. He’s one of my favorite celebrities. But I can’t root for him at all in SMASH because his character is toxic. Great job SMASH.

I think we can both agree that this story was most likely the crack-pipe dream of some Wattpad writer. His “backstory” is proof of this crack-pipe dream. He goes episodes without an ounce of nuance and then they DROP this weird backstory on us. It’s like the writers were keeping Jimmy’s mouth shut to Karen because they hadn’t figured out a “compelling” backstory yet. Then they ran out of time and rushed this bullshit and poor Jeremy Jordan had to perform these lines like the pro he is. But honestly, he was the truly talented one out of the Jimmy/Kyle duo because they ended up changing Kyle’s book all to songs, OR SO THEY SAID WHEN IT TURNED OUT HIS DIALOGUE WAS TRASH. But then when we saw scenes from the live show, they were talking. So I don’t know what the truth is. All I know is that I could listen to Jeremy Jordan sing any garbage song SMASH wrote for him and be happy. But his character? Don’t like him. Not one bit.

Frank

Another dud. Honestly, he’s one of the more dramatic people in this show that only ever gets to scream, be on the verge of tears, or randomly forgive Julia. All within a matter of frames. While I hesitate to say his character had potential (he didn’t because their family story line was stupid), Frank was interesting because he was a stay-at-home-dad/science teacher with a supe rich Broadway writer wife. Some interesting dilemmas there. But Julia was the least interesting person of the central cast, so Frank had to go. In another show, this interpersonal conflict may have been something to work with. But a show about Broadway, forget about it.

Tom Levit

Why did he end up winning whatever award for directing? He didn’t do anything?

I really liked Tom in the beginning. He was fun, quirky, a good friend and a talented performer, until he became the director of Bombshell. Then he became a total idiot. He promised Sam a job that he had no right to promise because he wanted to impress him, he invited Ivy’s stage mother to be in the show, wrote a stupid song with Liza Minnelli to please Ivy which is a waste of Liza’s time, was an overall dick, ditched Julia the first chance he got then acted all high and mighty when he came crawling back to her after his next directing gig failed, he pressured Ivy into appearing naked on stage, checked his phone in the middle of a Broadway performance and kissed a man who had shown no interest in him while he was talking. Tom just became awful which was sad. SMASH’s body count grows.

Ugh, Tom. I think Season One Tom is at least fine to be around, but Season Two Tom is a whiny crybaby and a selfish brat. Also, he talks so much outta his ass...I just can’t. Oh and my favorite episode (not) was the Tony’s voting and he makes a fool outta himself in front of one of the guys on the committee. Not only does he accidentally bribe him (because he’s just so silly, he’s not thinking straight [no pun intended]) but then continuously spends the episode bumbling around NYC trying to “make up for it” and actually makes it more of a mess (because SMASH suddenly became a slap-stick comedy starring Tom as all Three Stooges). Oh, and then THAT TONYS GUY becomes a callback at the end of the season/series (because they are one and the same) when Tom FORCIBLY KISSES HIM and is like “C’mon you know you liked it because you KNOW you’re gay.” One word: Gross.

Side Characters That Are At Least Fun

Sam

Sam is played by Leslie Odom Jr. who is so charismatic and talented and that’s part of what makes me like Sam. He is also a super nice, hard-working. professional . The things he gets mad about are normal. Like when Tom encourages him to leave his job and then doesn’t offer him the job he promised. Like he should be angry. Is it dumb that his character existed to be like, I love sports and Jesus but I’m also GAY, did that just blow your mind? Yes it is. But he was a delight every time he was on stage and deserved a boyfriend and a friend who didn’t treat him like garbage. I’m looking at you Tom and Ivy.

We stan a former Book of Mormon tour cast member who came back to his ex-bf’s show because he was promised a role that didn’t exist. Sam didn’t deserve any of that. I don’t know a single character that treated him with the respect he deserves. While he was all-in-all a decent human being, he did try to convince Ivy that she should tell Derek that she was pregnant because, as the father, “he has a right to know.” **Eye roll** I guess the man’s a product of his social environment and upbringing. But also, Sam you love sports AND you’re gay, I know you’re capable of more progressive thoughts. Lol also I love that those two characteristics are used to make him seem like the not-so-typical Broadway swing. SMASH does it again by taking the sitcom route for character design for a DRAMA.

Leigh Conroy

Delightful. But awful. But that’s what made her sooo interesting to me. In fact, Leigh is the one of the only interesting things about Ivy. Her Broadway royalty status is great personal conflict for Ivy. I wish we had more of this dynamic because it was the only truly dramatic plotline that didn’t feel super forced. At times, the show pushed the Marilyn and her mom likeness onto them a bit much, but it was an easy-to-understand dynamic that could make audiences feel for and empathize with Ivy. That is something many of the other main characters lacked. Now, I’m talking about Leigh in terms of her relationship with main character Ivy but I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing considering side characters are meant to complicate and add to the lives and backstory of main characters. So yeah, this explanation feels justified. I think Leigh was wasted potential. The songs they gave her were garbage, but wasted dramatic potential nonetheless.

Phillipa Soo

I think her name was Lexi but who cares. She is a beautiful Christmas angel who slayed every scene she was in and we love her. I think she finally had two lines in the second-to-last episode and I was so proud of her.

Linda

I was literally about to write about her and was like “wait, who is she again.” That’s how insignificant she is according to this show EVEN THOUGH SHE IS THE LIFEBLOOD OF BOMBSHELL. Linda takes all of Derek’s bullshit even though she knows he’s an asshole but she does it because she’s a fucking professional. Where’s her Tony for putting up with the stupidity that was ALL OF BOMBSHELL??

Kyle Bishop

Kyle was generally pretty nice. He needed a backbone though because Jimmy was a trash friend. He did cheat on his boyfriend with Tom for an unspecified amount of time. SMASH killed him off right before his show opened to pay homage to Rent and to have the characters learn from him. This is cheap and manipulative writing which the show itself acknowledged but did anyway.

I’d like to say Kyle deserved better, but like, did he? What really did he do? He “wrote” HitList but then everyone realized “hey actually it kinda sucks because the dialogue, plot points and overall story kinda sucks. Let’s take the good part, the music, and make it a rock opera.” So like, what DID he do? He babysat Jimmy. He was honestly too good for the world of SMASH so like, he actually made it out okay. Good for him. Rest in power.

Roger Cartwright

Literally, who is this? I had to look him up because I’ve already forgotten. OMG KAREN’S WHOLESOME MIDWESTERN DAD. He made like two total appearances, both of them so great. When Karen went back to Kansas or Minnesota or where-the-fuck-ever she’s from for her friend’s (who we NEVER see again, because why would plot lines need to remain consistent or get wrapped up?) baby shower (Did she have the baby? Is it okay? Does it love Gretchen Wilson?), her dad was there to remember how talented she was and feel better about giving her money to live in NYC and work as a struggling actress aka a waitress. ALSO just now remembering that Karen had a supportive Asian coworker at the place she was a waitress at and I feel so bad for not including her in our ballot.

Bobby and Jessica

My favorite sassy dancers. They loved to stir the pot and create drama and would easily flip flop between Karen and Ivy. In season one when Karen was charming them and they were helping her, it made me want to watch a show about just the actors and ditch all the creative drama. Performers have interesting camaraderie and rivalries, which is why Glee is a show and A Chorus Line is a musical. SMASH would be so much better if it was a little more like A Chorus Line. That musical has a much clearer narrative about the quest for fame and the sacrifices people make in pursuit of their art.

Nick

AKA the love of my (character’s) life. What a genuine man who just wanted to use his Irish mob money to help out his lady love. Honestly, I cherish him and am still pissed that they locked him up and then had Eileen fuck around with all these other lesser beings. #JusticeForNick

Ana

Ana is a prime example of bad SMASH characterization. Like she’s fine. But she was randomly introduced as Karen’s roommate and the show spent zero time developing her as anything other than Karen’s friend and then by the end of the show they were like “This is a main character that you should care about” and I was like “why?” We know nothing about her. SMASH preferred to introduce characters by just throwing them in there rather than giving them any story time to develop them.

I honestly love that she was calling Derek on his shit, and I actually think it’s really great that she even admitted that she was a bad person for letting him get away with everything he did so she could still have a career. But SMASH is obviously not the place to be having that very complex conversation. I feel like Ana was a scapegoat for so many plot points (Jimmy’s brother as her new beau, anyone?) that they totally abused a wonderful actress and what could have been a really interesting foil to naive Karen.

Veronica Moore

Jennifer Hudson, she was in this. She played a random actress that was involved in the plot somehow. She sang a few times and she was great because she’s Jennifer Hudson. When Rebecca Duval said that Derek had been sexually harassing her (He did) and everyone was like “what a liar, she’s a floozy who would sleep with someone for better lighting”, Jennifer Hudson said “I know you may be a womanizer but I know there is no merit to her story.” Um, I feel like him being a womanizer would mean there was merit. Everyone who knows him knows that there’s merit.

Yikes. I mean just Yikes. Also why was she in this? Her plot affected nothing. Ronnie made me remember just how talented Jennifer Hudson is. But also made it very clear that SMASH was trying to make itself relevant by writing in so many nonsense “world building” characters that further illustrated the bananas nature of this alternate universe Broadway that literally no one in their right mind recognizes. But yeah, why was she in this? Who was she meant to drawn in for the audience? People pissed at American Idol for not letting their favorites win? Perhaps...

Why Are There So Many Awful Characters In The SMASH Universe?

Daisy

WHERE DO I BEGIN? She appeared as someone who had accused Derek of sexual harassment (he offered her a part if she slept with him so yeah) and then she apologized like “Sorry to accuse you, I couldn’t accept my failed career.” And he was like sleep with me. And then he was like I’ll give you a part if Hit List goes to Broadway and you “show me how much you want it”. Karen and I both replied with “That is disgusting.” But then she recorded him saying that and blackmailed him to take Ana’s part in Hit List. So she is painted as this evil diva villainess. Everyone else in the cast hates her and she’s bffs with Eileen’s shitty ex-husband and uses him to get her way. And then they triumph over her at the Tony’s after she wins and they steal her song number. She sulks off to tell Jerry and is never heard from again. We’re supposed to cheer for her downfall like she’s a wicked stepsister or Draco Malfoy and Derek is the hero. Gross. Why did this happen? Who allowed this to happen? I literally called out to Jesus during some of her scenes. Not like swearing, like invoking divine aid because I did not have the strength to watch.

All I’ll say is that this character may end up justifying everyone who hates women and thinks sexual abuse/harrassment/assault victims (no matter their gender/sexual orientation) are liars. This character was everything they think victims to be: manipulative, deserving of society’s hatred, and weak for “letting” abuse happen to her. I honestly feel bad for this character, and all the females in this show, because they are carrying THE WEIGHT of misogyny on their shoulders. Ultimately, if it weren’t for this character, Derek would just be a regular asshole on a power trip who’s just mean and nasty. She exists to make HIM look better in a weird fucking way. No thank you.

Bad Cameos of Lin Manuel Miranda, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Rosie O’Donnell

SMASH had the audacity to have human cinnamon role and (then) future Broadway Icon Lin Manuel Miranda on and make him a petty bitch and Tom’s rival. Problem is I immediately sided with Lin because of course. Kathy Lee Gifford did a dance number with Ivy because life is meaningless and Rose O’Donnell from Disney’s Tarzan was in this twice. Let’s not forget Harvey Fierstein from Disney’s Mulan. I thoroughly hated all of these AU Broadway world-building cameos. I’ll rank them, least to most cringey: Harvey Fierstein, Rosie, Lin, Kathy Lee.

Lyle (Nick Jonas)

SMASH paid for Nick Jones to play a teen star called Lyle who Ivy tries to seduce for money for Bombshell. I feel like TV doesn’t know this but STATUTORY RAPE IS A BAD THING. Even when it happens to boys. Shows (Riverdale, Insatiable, and more) are always like the boys want to sleep with older women but never stop to think about how an adult taking advantage of them could mess them up just as much as it damages girls when older men prey on them. Also he funds Bombshell by loaning Eileen a painting or something. Idk.

I remember reading that Nick Jonas may or may not have dated Megan Hilty after appearing on SMASH. It makes watching his musical number with her all that more unsettling. Not to mention he was playing a 16 year old boy (maybe even 15) and NBC, let alone the crazy AU Broadway world, thought it’d be okay to poise a 16-y/o character as a sexual equal in a very raunchy song.

Terry

I’m soooo glad Megan Mullaly and Eric McCormack didn’t agree to be in the show. But you better fucking BET that NBC was trying to wrangle them for season 3. But this Terry guy was absolutely bonkers. His insanity was to make Ivy look like she was a normal human, and goddammit, they made it work. His musical number and rendition of that play was...pointless. I remember he motorboated one of the actresses and everything I know about workplace harassment just went off like a series of red flags. So yeah, I guess SMASH stands for “Sexual Misconduct And Sexual Harassment.” Stay woke, y’all.

Leo

He can act in Brooklyn. I loved that movie. He cannot act in SMASH. That could be because he’s written as this weirdo by someone who must have never interacted with a teenage boy. Like he’s all torn up by his parents divorce. But then he enjoys when they awkwardly run into the man who slept with his mom? Just ugh, remember when he got arrested for weed and Julia called his friend a creepy little drug addict or something. I’m exhausted just writing this.

Literally just remembered he was in that movie. And yeah he was really good in that movie. I guess his odd charm made that character likable, but in this show, when he was rarely there, it was upsetting. I felt bad for laughing when he got upset that his parents were splitting up. But then again, no I didn’t because this show fucking sucks.

Jerry

My (character’s) nemesis. I fucking hated this guy. But you know what? He served his purpose. We were NEVER supposed to like him. He was only there to be detested and to use his money to make bananas shit happen, like, IDK fucking HITLIST going to BROADWAY after running at a TINY THEATRE for like 3 DAYS.

Michael Swift

An allegedly happily married man who started an affair with Julia pretty easily. And then broke up with her and left the show and then he came back to the show and was like, “I want to be with you, my wife left me” and then he ruined Julia’s marriage. At the end of the show she showed up at Micheal’s house and we were like we haven’t seen this guy since season one, what? But I guess she ended up with him? Why? He was so lame.

Rebecca Duval

Idk what to say about her. She also was pointless. Like why place a third person in the role of Marilyn and make Karen and Ivy compete then with her? So pointless. She got knocked out because of a peanut allergy. She thought she knew more about Indian cuisine than Karen’s Indian then-boyfriend Dev. She was the kind of diva that just assumed the earth she walked on was sacred and that she was an angel because of it. I just wished they had made her and Karen more gay with each other because all the pap photos of them out and about were really stupid if they weren’t posing them as lesbians. Why else would it make Dev jealous? Ugh, annoying character. NEXT.

Scott

A Producer who Julia screwed over because she’s a bad person. She promised she wouldn’t do it again and there was sexual tension. He put on Hit List but exploited Kyle’s death for profit (like the show itself) so then she didn’t feel bad when she screwed him over again and ruined his career because she got back with Tom. She would go on to exploit Kyle’s death to make herself look like a wonderful person and slightly take credit for his work.

Agnes

Eileen’s press assistant who showed up in season two to give exposition and give Eileen someone to talk to, like the animal sidekicks in Disney movies who exist basically just so the character can voice their thoughts and plans to someone. She wore a headset so much it was comical. I’m convinced she sleeps in it. She also shipped Eileen and that reporter guy who eventually screwed her over with a bad review or something. I can’t remember, he was boring.

Nikki Blonsky was in this?

Because OF COURSE she was. This was like a few years AFTER Hairspray, and I have no idea what she did in between 2007 and then. Nothing? A few things that I didn’t watch? I have no idea and don’t care to google it either. She was NOTHING compared to the chaotic evil bi-icon Ellis, so she was then inherently boring and yawn-inspiring. NEXT.

Eileen’s Daughter

Eileen had a daughter who volunteered for the PeaceCorps or something. And Eileen didn’t want to get her involved in the drama between her and Jerry but she was like “I know dad sucks” So good for her. Daughter of Hollywood royalty Meryl Streep playing daughter of AU Broadway royalty in SMASH. It makes sense. But she was in like 2 episodes and all she did was be like “Mom, you’re letting dad get to you, he’s an asshole, get over it.” I liked her. But she served no purpose. She did serve good scarf game, though.

RJ

Dev’s Coworker who wants to sleep with him but then he’s like no I love Karen even though I just made out with you. She gets to be in the Bollywood number briefly.

Yet another amoral temptress on SMASH. Does SMASH have a problem with women? No. Definitely not. I really wish they had kept all of this NYC politics BS so it could be The West Wing meets Broadway FuckUps. I would have DIED if Ivy started hooking up with a politician for more of those Marilyn vibes. She’d be making out with him and she’d lovingly look over at her 5,000 photos of Marilyn taped to her mirror and feel like she was making her proud. **Eye roll**

Glass Closet Guy

This Tom Brady looking Tony Voter who Tom is rude too. And there’s this whimsical plotline where they fight over a wine bottle and it breaks. And they’re like “You can tell he’s gay. He’s in a glass closet.” And I’m like that is very problematic. What about him seems gay? How can you presume to know another person’s sexuality? Nothing about him seems stereotypical gay even though that’s a problematic concept to begin with AAAAAAAAA! And then Tom kisses him in the middle of him saying he’s straight and it’s supposed to be cute or something. But Tom knows he identifies as straight and even if he was gay, this was not a romantic moment, you don’t just kiss someone you’ve only had a few terrible interactions with on the mouth while they’re rejecting your date offer. Why is every director on this show sexually gross? Everything about this plot line is stupid or gross and the more I think about it the more I’m filled with rage. I HATE SMASH.

I don’t actually think he was even an actor. He acted as if he were reading his lines from a cue card off camera. The bumbling idiot “plot” was pointless. This whole element was pointless. But you know what sucks even more, is that I’m pretty sure we ended the show thinking that Tom was “successful” in getting this guy to “realize” that he’s “gay.” And we’re supposed...to be...happy about that? I think? I don’t, but I’m pretty sure SMASH was like “Yessss we want you to ship them!!!!”

Gay Republican

Tom dates a man whose character traits are Gay, Republican, and boring. Tom is like what??? Gays can be republican? Tom has a very limited understanding of what gay men can be. He was fine and Tom was still a fine character at this point so he was okay. Trivial. This should have been our first sign that Tom was a no-good trash human. NEXT.

Ellis’ Girlfriend

Ellis had a girlfriend that he cheated on who later betrayed him in season two. Hannah correct me if I’m wrong but she was one of the only women of color in season one other than Linda and Karen’s unnamed Asian waitress friend? You are correct. I’d say in terms of speaking roles at least. Jennifer Hudson is the only other woman of color I can think of, but she didn’t have much to do with the actual plot.

Kyle’s Boyfriend who was literally nothing.

Kyle dated him. Kyle cheated on him. He existed. But did he?

Randall

Ellis slept with Randall because he was Rebecca Duval’s assistant and he wanted her in Bombshell. Ellis accidentally dissed him later. Ellis also poisoned Rebecca so she would leave. I’m so tired. THIS HAPPENED? I don’t even remember.

I keep remembering more characters but I have nothing to say about them. What show are we talking about again?

Most Iconic Scarf Moments

Julia's scarves are the most iconic and Tom told her to ditch the scarves in a petty dig at Theresa Rebeck because she famously wore scarves.

Kyle when he got hit by that car bc wtf? I wonder if that’s the last scarf worn on the show. Like, what if it was the symbolic death of scarves in this AU Broadway and Kyle also had to pay the price? I don’t think it was, but honestly I can think of no more an iconic scarf than this.

Best Real Ship

Are there any? I guess Tom and Sam? And Karen as friends with Bobby and Jessica or Karen's friendship with Phillipa Soo, Kyle and Ana?

Bobby/Jessica bc they’re the same. The sideways glances. The sassy comments. Power (non)couple.

Best Fake Ship We Just Made Up.

Julia and Ellis. Their ship name is Jellis and I’ll make a fanvid of their moments together set to Jealous by Nick Jonas, star of SMASH.

Karen/Black Gospel Church

My fan video of this pairing is a supercut of Karen saying “I love church” intercut with shots from Fifty shades of Grey set to Take Me to Church by Hozier.

I’m sorry WHAT? Also, yes I love that she loves church. And that she literally interrupts Sam who’s gonna have a great solo at HIS FAMILY CHURCH to sing on her own. I bet Sam’s just putting on a happy face but really he HATES that she interrupted him.

Best Episodes

1.1 - "Pilot": Objectively, has some promise in terms of having an interesting show. Also, “Let Me Be Your Star” STILL gives me chills. Sue me.

1.15 - "Bombshell": This is when Karen got to sing Don’t Forget Me which is the best moment of SMASH. I also loved her journey in this episode and was glad she ditched Dev. Eileen also had some good triumphs in this episode over Ellis and Jerry. It was one of the few episodes that was exciting to watch and captured the energy of live theater.

1.10 - "Understudy": Here’s a line from the IMDB summary: “Karen being the understudy also doesn't please Dev.” As if anyone fucking cares about his opinion? Anyway, I think I liked this episode because Karen gets to be Marilyn and Ivy turns into a baby. I think it’s one of the few that has an actual plot, which makes it great by those VERY low standards.

1.12 - "Publicity": I think I picked this for the utterly bonkers Bollywood number that Karen imagines while Dev and Rebecca Duval argue about Indian food and Karen’s future. This episode was peak dumb SMASH and I ate it up.

2.9 - "The Parents": I feel very connected to the Ivy/Leigh story because it actually coulda been really interesting. But you know how much I love Roger, Karen’s Midwestern Dad so any surprise visit from him is a PLEASANT ONE. Except the cliche of the Jimmy/Derek sneaking around bullshit and all that misunderstanding stuff.

2.7 - "Musical Chairs": I liked this episode because there was this awkward scene where Tom and Derek were being petty and Karen made this exhausted awkward uncomfortable face that was so relatable. Also they saw Liasons being dumb and Tom gave Karen a weird look and she laughed and it was cute. Karen looked great. Season 2 was rough man.

Worst Episodes

2.14 - "The Phenomenon": We hated this so much we both nominated it. Ugh, so bad. We kept looking at the clock, realizing that only 10 seconds had gone by but a thousand stupid things had happened. None of which were remotely interesting.

2.15 - "The Transfer": WHERE TO BEGIN We ALSO hated this one SO much we both nominated it. This episode features Daisy replacing Ana as “The Diva” in Hit List because she blackmailed Derek and Daisy is this evil slutty villain who wears all black and sing’s “I’m Not Sorry” with the innocent and pure Karen in white. At one point the blocking is so bad in this episode you can tell that Katherine McPhee doesn’t know how to act the scene and it’s so awkward, she just grits her teeth and acts through the awful scene. When Derek tells her that he promised Daisy a role in exchange for sex acts she like “That’s Disgusting” and I was like “Yeah” and then she was like “I can’t believe I almost slept with you” and I’m like a little off base but fair you def deserve better than him and then she’s like “what are you going to do about her?" Like Daisy is the villain? Yeah, like she’s not a good person but DEREK SHOULD BE FIRED and replaced with someone who isn’t a sexual predator. Like why is Derek made to be the pouty victim? And then Jimmy adds text messaging to Hit List, where the audience gets texts about the onstage drama during scene breaks which is so dumb and totally not how theater works and definitely some old person trying to make Hit List sound hip with the kids these days. What do the kids like? Texting. This is where Tom and Julia are still feuding, and have the burlesque music revue. And Ivy is mad that Karen told her roommate about Ivy and Derek sleeping together, because Ivy doesn’t want it to get out and ruin her career so she also protects Derek and Karen is like everyone knows and Ivy’s like “The only thing better than winning a Tony will be beating you.” And I’m like screw you Ivy. You’re petty and only care about yourself and you did sleep with him and Karen is allowed to tell her best friend. You suck. Everyone sucks in this episode. It’s a perfect encapsulation of everything I hate about SMASH.

2.10 - "The Surprise Party": Listen, I love Liza. But she was soooooo oddly plopped into this situation and the thought of Tom being so cozy with her that she would agree to sing a song for his friend is sooo weird and sleazy. I think I could feel the sleazy strain of a terrible favor Liza owed to someone who worked on SMASH that is just seeped through the screen. So contrived and you could feel it.

1.14 - "Previews": This episode was dumb. This was peak Ivy being a trash person. Like sleeping with Dev knowing he was Karen's boyfriend. And this was when Rebecca got poisoned which like what? Also Julia was being hella unprofessional and was mad at Tom for “betraying” her by hiring Michael. Like you were the one that chose to sleep with him. You’re the one that made things weird Julia. Also Karen hijacked the black church experience. Oh and they needed to find a new ending and Julia is super dumb and defensive about it.

Most Bananas Plot Line

Tom/Julia Partnership Breakup

Double nominated. The worst part of this story line is the fact that they never act like reasonable adults through this whole thing. They also have public shade-throwing argument at a panel which is so immature. Neither of them acted like adults. They both were stupid about it. It, too, was contrived like many other plotlines.

When Ellis poisoned Rebecca's smoothie, when Dev asked Karen to marry him and she iconically said “I’m in tech” so he slept with Ivy, and Ivy told Karen to come late to steal her song.

These things all happened around the same time and I hated all of them. Agreed. And like, Ivy then told Karen at the exact right time to bring her down. And then Ivy did drugs and maybe overdosed. Too much drama. And NOT the good/fun kind. Just, just dumb.

And the wine bottle thing where Tom and the Tony guy where wrestling with the wine bottle because Tom wanted to take it back to avoid perceived bribery was fucking stupid.

ALSO WHY IS A PETIT SYRRAH (SHIRAZ) NOT A GREAT GIFT IN SOME CIRCLES? WHAT FUCKING CIRCLES? I NEED TO KNOW BECAUSE I LOVE SHIRAZ AND I DON’T LIKE TO THINK THAT SMASH CAN MAKE FUN OF ME.

Worst Message About Sexual Harassment

When Derek is framed as the victim and the woman he coerced is seen as evil. Like Karen is initially disgusted with Derek but then she’s all like how do we stop this evil woman. Daisy is the villain? The survivor is the villain? Derek gets to confess to his crimes on his own terms and Karen supports him when he is whining about how his life is over. Like Karen don’t waste your time and energy, Derek is a bad person and a leech. Derek's sexually abusive and manipulative behavior is treated like a normal character flaw, like being too judgy or having a temper when stressed. Like he’s so talented we just have to deal with this. Like his behavior is so reprehensible it does not justify working with him no matter how talented he allegedly is. Albeit I haven’t watched Game of Thrones or all of The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina or other shows with deplorable sexual assault story lines but this might be the worst handling of the subject matter I’ve ever seen in my life.

Dev being like “that’s showbiz baby” and then switching to “have some self-respect” when it suits him.

Best Reference to Marilyn

I literally screamed when this happened. Ivy has Karen’s engagement ring and leaves it on Karen’s vanity the night of Karen’s premiere as Marilyn.She’s telling Karen that she knowingly slept with her fiance as half apology half let-me-throw-you-off-your-game-because-I’m-petty and is like Dev is a traditional guy like Joe Demaggio and Karen is like “This isn’t about Marilyn, this is my life.” And I was like Thank God. Same. Shut up with the Marilyn crap you just did something horrible. Ivy always made every random situation about Marilyn but this one was so ridiculous and dumb that the show itself called her out.

When they compared Ivy’s drug spiral to Marilyn’s a little too obviously. Or when they compared Ivy to Marilyn at all. They all got under my skin. Again, and I cannot emphasize this enough, Fuck. This. Show.

Ivy is worried that people think she’s too slutty to win a Tony and then Tom forces her to play a stripper during a showcase for his and Julia’s work. Ivy feels down and instead of Eileen telling her that her sex life should have no bearing on the Tonys, Eileen says “You're not a Norma Jean. You're a Marilyn.” What? What does that even mean!!!!!! SMASH???? ANSWER ME??? So. Fucking. Cringey.

Best "Eileen Dumping Stuff on Annoying People" Moment

Jimmy got into a fight with his drug dealer/brother? at the Bombshell premiere. And Eileen rolls her eyes like “Of course it’s Hit List” and then dumped an ice bucket on Jimmy like a goddess from the heights of Olympus hurling lightning on an impudent mortal.

When Jerry was on a date. She was a much younger woman, which is already, just, I can’t. Because it’s not like this was played for genuine, it was really just playing on the trope. Genuine I can accept. Ingenuine for cringes, no. But it was really satisfying to see Eileen ruin the FUCK outta his weird date. I also can’t believe having to pay the bill after a $18 martini is thrown in my face. Knowing I didn’t even get to drink it. What a waste.

Best "Julia is a Stand-In for Theresa Rebeck" Moment

The first season showrunner, playwright Theresa Rebeck, frequently used the writer character of Julia as a stand-in for herself and everyone working on or watching SMASH hated it. When they got a new showrunner in Season 2 they had a whole story line that the book for Bombshell was terrible but the songs were good. It’s a petty AF dig at the old showrunner’s notoriously bad plotting and overrating the songs which weren’t that great.

The fact that Julia has her hand in every musical in this show as writer/dramaturg as if blaming Theresa Rebeck for creating the show in the first place.

Best Musical Number/Song from "Bombshell"

"Don't Forget Me": This song makes me feel real human emotions. It’s so good. Karen sounds like an angel blessing us with music from on high which is how Marilyn is conceived in that number. It moved me when I watched it and it moves me when I rewatch or relisten to it. The best song in all of SMASH and I will fight for it. But the Karen version. Ivy singing it was just insulting and I blocked it out of my mind.

"Let Me Be Your Star": CHILLS. I’d say that it’s a veryyyyyyy close second to “Don’t Forget Me” but I’m more attached to this one because it’s from the pilot and I’ve listened to it on repeat many more times because once upon a time before I saw the entirety of this show and became a consenting adult who understands how story works, I loved this show and that song specifically. I think it made me wanna be an actress, a desire that only came up when I listened to that song and died as soon as it was over.

"Public Relations": is a literal bop. It’s exciting and a bit crazy, not to mention super problematic with a touch of distasteful racism. (All those voices done by Tom, yikes.) But I fucking LOVE the plane, and the direct Marilyn quotes. I also love that I still can’t tell whose perspective it’s from, just like the whole show. Because a song that is soooo similar, “Cut, Print...Moving On” is from her perspective. But this one is from...the world’s? Who fucking knows. It’s a jam.

"Cut, Print...Moving On": This song worked really well in the context of SMASH. It’s catchy and they played it during a montage of characters moving on. I liked that.

"The 20th Century Fox Mambo": This song is so fun. It’s one of the few Bombshell numbers that feels like it’s from an actual musical. It sets up the background of all the Hollywood Studios and explains how Norma Jean transformed into the tragic sex symbol we know today. It was also very catchy and fun.

"Dig Deep.”: Okay. So. This is, objectively, a TERRIBLE song. BUT there’s something about Megan Hilty’s voice in it that I dig. Also, I find the concept of it (her being in the Actor’s Studio in NY. FUN FACT: Jane Fonda was apparently studying there at the same time and often saw Marilyn sitting in the back with like a headscarf [again with the fucking scarves], but yeah.) Also, it ends on her breathy “So deep” and I’m like, this song knows what it’s trying to do. It’s trying to make fun of the “deep” process of acting and make fun of Marilyn for trying to hone her craft. You know, a very RESPECTFUL take on her human experience. But IDK I like Megan Hilty and it was a surprise hit for me. Idk.

Worst Musical Number/Song from "Bombshell"

"On Lexington & 52nd Street" Double Nominated. The. Literal. Worst. So bad. Like, this is just a song about man pain because his wife isn’t around him. And then for SMASH, it’s about Michael being pissed that he and Julia can’t be together AND have their respective families. Boo-fucking-hoo. There's also this gross part about him being upset about the iconic Marilyn skirt blowing in the air picture and he's like referring to her body as something he owns as her husband which like wives aren't property please stop.

"Don't Say Yes Until I Finish Talking.”: I HATE this song. Again, why do I care about the men in this musical? I DON’T. If I were going to see Bombshell, I wouldn’t give a shit about the men in her life. I wanna hear her sing. This song is just about men manipulating women for power and sex. Literal LOCKER ROOM TALK. Gross. No thank you.

"The National Pastime": I watched the pilot when it premiered. I was writing/directing my first musical so this whole show should have appealed to me. This song inspired me to never watch it again until Hannah made me. It was a bunch of lame baseball sex jokes and the performance felt joyless and lifeless. At the time my mom was like “the songs are where it should soar but the baseball one just felt forced and cheap.” It’s like this cheap lame sex appeal song with no joy. Watching this number proves why Glee for all its flaws is a superior show. Compare this with Don’t Stop Believing. We’ll get to that later.

I understand and respect that you hate this song. I used to love it, and you converted me to a hater.

"Second Hand White Baby Grand": This song is pretty but boring. Ivy also stole it from Karen by telling her that rehearsal was canceled. Fuck this song. It’s literally a woe is me song. No thanks.

"Hang the Moon": I love Bernadette Peters but this song is a fucking snooze. I’m bored just remembering it. It would stop a Broadway musical dead in its tracks.

Best Musical Number/Song from "Hit List"

"Broadway, Here I Come": Double Nominated. The Jeremy Jordan version of this song is so good. It has a hidden sad element because it’s about suicide but his voice is so good and the instrumentation so simple. Amazing. I love it because Jeremy Jordan is so god damn talented.

"I Heard Your Voice in a Dream": This song is another great Jeremy Jordan showcase. Love it. The choreography is kind of weird and the message is ick but it slaps. I legit listen to this one on spotify.

"The Goodbye Song": Truly the only song I really like. I actually get emotional listening to it because it’s pretty and nice. Again, probably a bunch of music love for Jeremy Jordan.

"Original": This song went on my guilty pleasure playlist full of so many embarrassing songs I was going to put down but then couldn’t bear it. Keep in mind Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are not considered guilty pleasures by me. One of the few Hit List songs with any kind of narrative structure. It’s like here’s how Lana del Ray and Lady Gaga reinvented themselves and that's what I want to do. It helped me understand the character Karen was playing and was really the only song it Hit List that gave any musical character insight.

"Rewrite This Story": This song is a great intro to Hit List. It sets up the character’s wants and it’s pretty catchy. Overall decent song. Okay, so I came around to this song. I have actually listened to it a few times, and yeah, it’s catchy. The choreography from the show however. I can do without it. That’s enough walking, guys.

Worst Musical Number/Song from "Hit List"

"I'm Not Sorry": Double Nominated. I don’t know if I’ve said this yet. But FUCK THIS SHOW. The song is terrible in Hit List because it’s about two women battling and being mean to each other. In SMASH, it’s about these two women battling over the rights of one’s abuser (and almost an abuser for the other). They’re both “not sorry” for their stance, and for Daisy specifically, she’s “not sorry” about trying to manipulate the situation, thus further villainizing her through this song...I just can’t. Fuck. This. Song. And Fuck. This. Show.

"Good for You": There is a song from Dear Evan Hansen called Good for You. This song is not that song and that disappoints me. I literally couldn't even remember it while it was happening.

"Caught in the Storm”: Just annoying. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be about and there’s nothing in it that makes me want to listen deeper to find out. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

"Heart-Shaped Wreckage": This song is fine but it’s a worse version of better songs in Hit List and literally grinds the show to a halt. Feels way more like a single than a musical song.

"Original": Can’t even tell you how this song goes, that’s how much I dislike it. It’s just not catchy or good. Nooooo thanks. Hannah and I obviously have very different opinions about this song.

Top Craziest Musical Numbers from "SMASH"

1. A Thousand and One Nights by Karen&Dev: Double Nominated. I LOVE THIS SONG. It makes no sense. Like who had this idea? It’s so fun to watch and so catchy. And the costumes are great and it has Karen daydreaming about story lines that she would know nothing about. It’s a beautiful, ridiculous, expensive mess and represents the heights of the unrestrained (but not good) craziness of season one before the dull banality of season 2.

2. Big Finish by Karen&Ivy: This song enrages me. It’s insulting to me, one of the brave few who have finished SMASH. It says that we’ll forget what came before if it’s good in the end. This is wrong on two fronts. Firstly, SMASH has scarred my heart in ways that will never heal. I will NOT forget. And secondly, it was not good in the end. It was a energyless rushed tying together of plots and a montage set to this inexplicable song featuring the show’s two dueling divas. None of the endings were satisfying. None of them made sense. And this bad and cheesy song was rubbing it in my face. Ivy tells Karen that the show is over and they wave goodbye and I am typing so loud because I get angry just thinking about it and SMASH is making me go insane.

3. Would I Lie to You by Ivy&Karen: You may see a trend in things I really hate about this show. This is yet ANOTHER moment where the show blames women for their abuse. It’s showing them as manipulative and showing DEREK AS THE FUCKING VICTIM. “Well how could he have known that he was doing something wrong? They let him make passes at them?” FUCK. THIS. SHOW.

4. Redneck Woman by Karen: Just an all around great time this number is. She’s in the midwest. Singing with friends she’ll literally forget about in the next episode. She’s singing one of MY childhood anthems. And she’s just having a good time. 10/10.

5. Touch Me by Karen: I am listening to this while I write and find myself singing along and jamming out. It is a true banger. Just cuz it’s a banger don’t mean it’s good though. But it’s a crazy number because of the context. Derek and Karen go to One Republic, at the height of his (their? Are they a group or one person with a band name?) career. He writes them a club hit for their Marilyn musical. After having spent so much time with Tom and Julia writing more era-appropriate tunes. Can you imagine watching Bombshell and the bass fucking DROPS? Also it was a bed-focused dance number and that makes Marilyn’s bed-focused death scene as we saw it in Bombshell all that more sad.

6. Ivy’s Stripper Song: Tom makes Ivy do a striptease song while she’s worried about her sexual reputation. Everything about the number and its plot is dumb and I hate it.

7. Breakaway by Ivy: Both Glee and SMASH misused this iconic Kelly Clarkson classic which is insulting because it is made to be an ingenue “I want song”. Neither gave the song to their central heroine even though the song describes both Karen and Rachel and their wants to a T! SMASH gave it to Ivy? What? UGH

8. Tom and Julia’s Duet: I hate when writers write about writing except for sometimes on Jane the Virgin. This song was boring and I hated it with a passion.

9. Under Pressure… I need to be stopped: I keep remembering so many songs that I hated. This opening number would of been so much better on a show where I actually liked the characters. Like on The Magicians, where they covered it and even though they couldn’t sing as well it was so much better because I liked them.

SO THERE THEY ARE, all our thoughts about SMASH. No one wanted them but here they are. This was very cathartic because SMASH left a lot of questions. I’m just baffled as to how this show was made and how viewers didn’t realize how bonkers it is. I love cheesy, silly TV and watch and enjoy a lot of shows that other people hate on. I’m an easy audience. Why didn’t SMASH work for me? Why do so many other people remember it as a good show that died too soon? It’s all about packaging. SMASH marketed itself as a realistic show for adults about working in Broadway. An insider’s view into a hidden world. But it really was a corny soap opera that managed to be ridiculous and boring. Ridiculous can be fun and boring can be competent but when almost all the characters are unlikable or dumb and no decisions make sense, that’s what makes bad TV. It’s not too much drama or crazy plot twists, it’s bad characters who you can’t root for and who neither entertain or seem real. Also some of the messages aged really badly. That’s why watching SMASH is akin to watching someone destroy all your hopes, dreams and the equality of women. To conclude, Hannah’s survey ended with this question and we both had the same response.

Do you feel good about yourself now that it's over?

The word "smash" will forever trigger me.